Love

What is it that is deep inside our human natures, embedded in our souls, that causes us to seek out, to whatever end, LOVE from others? Why are we so empty, such FRAGILE broken beings? We're so helpless, so easily lured in by pretty words or a reaffirming touch or just the idea of having someone say that you are good. Some seek this love in girls, some in athletics, some in acceptance, some in themselves, but no matter how far I run and how much I try to do, I cannot fill this void inside my being. It is constantly empty, no matter how many youth group events I go to, no matter how many Settlers of Catan or Risk games I play (and win) with the guys, no matter how many songs I listen to, and no matter how hard I try to stuff myself with things that FEEL good. None of it is keeping my appetites satisfied! I know this all, but my life is a constant cycle of reminding myself what I know and trying to get it to connect with my heart. I fail and I fail again yet I don't learn long enough before I screw things up all over again. C.S. Lewis put things in perspective best when he compared our desires for earthly love to making mudpies in a slum. We think that our methods, our ways are so perfect, so succinct! For some reason we are amazingly proud of ourselves! Look at the culture around us, we market sex and money and popularity as if it is this amazing, achievable thing that any person with an american dream can fulfill. And this cancer infects our thinking, creates in our minds these amazing dreams, dreams of becoming rockstars, having families, getting the girl, all that jazz. What is so great about these dreams? Do we believe, do we HONESTLY believe that the realization of such aspirations would be enough? The reality is, we are in the midst of a realm of creation that is not meant to be its own food. We - created things - try to in essence consume created things with a strange belief that it will make us happy. We live in a culture that believes that what we have is all there is. No wonder we're making mudpies in a slum. We don't comprehend that mud and slums are the lowest of the low. We haven't seen better. Or we've forgotten...we are so quick to forget.

Yaweh

I
am.


When we encounter God's love it is an amazing feeling, an experience not easy to forget. Yet at our weakest moments we seem to scramble for a memory, a glimpse of what that was like...But the truth is that


God's love is on a completely, entirely different paradigm than any of our minds, hearts, souls, technology, intellects can comprehend or imagine. It's like music and salsa, they just do not compare whatsoever. Yet our Gracious God bridged this seemingly impossible gap with analogies and experiences that strain and reach for the Truth. His word is full of them. Maybe we need to read to remember.

Since when did our gaze fall so low to each other? Let's fix it back on Him. There is a whole realm that we have barely touched into...we've barely tapped into the mystics of the supernatural, of miracles and encounters that some humans could not even dream to be possible. Yet all we must do is believe.

We have the option of living every day to its maximum potential, encountering God's love every second. IF we are willing. If we are listening, watching. If we make the simple but sometimes painful choice to PRAISE GOD in EVERY season, every circumstance, simply because He deserves it.

People were never meant to satisfy each others' cravings for Love...that can only be found in Him...then after in Him, He may just choose to pour out more of that love, which only comes from Him, through something or someone else.

"In heaven there will be no anguish, and no duty of turning away from our earthly beloveds - first, because we will have already turned from the portraits to the original, from the rivulets to the fountain, from the creatures He made lovable to Love Himself. But secondly, because shall find them all in Him. And by loving Him more than them, we shall love them more than we do now. All that we experience of Love on earth is but an echo of what we will one day experience."

- Crishan Jeyaratnam

The pain in life is the moments we struggle to feel the Love we so desperately need. But I have found a hope in anguish no dark night can damper. No matter what happens, I will hold to one thing - Christ's resurrection from the Grave, His love displayed for all to see, this glorious gospel of which I am somehow the center. His Love. His love is my confidence, and in confidence I will live. No longer in fear, but in faith. He is my Lord.

"A golden moment's come to pass, and it made a swift goodbye.
Waved its hand from left to right, saying bye, farewell, goodnight.
But it left me brave and bold like the knights of ages past,
Leaving courage like the dawn leaves dew upon the grass.
As morning glories bloom so do some things in life this way.
Rising early but well past noon, they weaken die and fade.
But there's many perspective buds still clinging to the vine,
Waiting in patience to show their glory at later times.

Oh, I got what I wanted, and I'll be afraid no more. I'll face all these toxic things, because I have finally found my bravery."
- weaver at the loom

It's time to face the battle.
The end is near.
But more than any impending doom or crashing sky
There is One who sees our struggles, catching every tear we cry
And knowing Him, seeing Him, can make every day so much brighter
than the one before.
He loves us, oh so much.

HE is the one I adore.

Mounjoie!

somewhere

I think somewhere along the line I forgot

who I was living for.
why I am alive.
who satisfies me.
who knows me.
who knows what is best for me.

Why do I keep trying to do things my way? I'm such an idiot. I bet angels in heaven are so frustrated with me right now! They see me trying to make choices which I think will be best for me and are shouting "NO! Don't do that! You don't know what you're doing!" Yet I blindly do my own thing, ruining my spiritual life.

I don't know what to do. I'm praying and seeking The Lord. I'm still confused. But one thing I know for sure - whatever happens in life will benefit all who love The Lord. I have no worries there. But the immediate costs or immediate repercussions bother me greatly.

It concerns me that this kind of situation I'm in spiritually has happened before, and hasn't benefited me whatsoever. I don't want to waste my time.

I'm found in Your arms of love,
Your love it has saved my soul,
I'll run to Your arms of love,
Your light's gonna lead me home

Father, lead US home to your arms. For everyone I know - to love them...to TRULY love them, I surrender EVERYTHING to love you more.

k'e!

T-2 days till we leave for Chinle, Arizona on our student council "Four Corners Service Learning Trip", a fancy, cheesy, politically correct name for a school-led mission trip.

From everything I know, which, now that I'm 2 days away is quite a bit, this trip is gonna be off the chain. ahh..that sounded lame. This trip is gonna be the bomb diggity...no...this trip is going to be totally life changing.

there we go.

Though I realize the enormous scale of the trip and the weight of what we're doing, I still have no idea what to expect. I am praying (and you can pray for me while I'm gone) a few specific things:

1. Pray for safety and health.

This trip involves a lot of traveling, as well as a lot of room for error. We are bringing an 18 wheeler full of food, clothes, toys, and feed, and every detail with that trailer needs to go perfectly. There are about 50 people going, sponsors included, and keeping track with everyone will be difficult. Temperatures will likely be below zero in Chinle, and last year was HORRIBLE with everyone getting sick. so basically...anything that i said that's bad, pray the opposite of. obviously :)

2. Pray for my experience and influence.

Because I'm a senior, this is my last chance to go to Chinle. I will never be able to go on this trip again, and because of that, I want to take in every moment we're there and also make the most of every opportunity. In fact, pray FOR opportunities. I have a lot of influence on the student council group, and this group is, in my opinion, the most influential group, and is made up of the most influential people on the Cooper campus. Lives being changed for the Kingdom and people realizing the call of Christ on their lives, would, from this group, literally change our school. I want to play a part in that, and I want God to pretty much do what only He CAN do. Change lives. Save people.

3. Pray for the Navajo.

This is the most important by far. I will see my student council friends again, and they will see me again, but I will NEVER see the Chinleans again. This is my only chance to shine the light that Jesus is inside of ME to them. But pray not only because of me - the Navajo are lost and need Jesus. They are a deeply spiritual people who are very attentive to the supernatural, the spiritual, and the unseen. Unfortunately, a good number of christians coming on the trip are not; most are very traditional and/or apathetic about their faith. I may be one of only a couple who has a good amount of experience dealing with the supernatural and with supernatural warfare. These people don't need to be convinced that God is real, like Americans do. They need to be convinced that our God is more powerful than their gods are. In summary - pray for our group to shine as a light of God by our actions and by our words if necessary to these Navajo people. Pray for salvation.

Thank you, if you're reading this. If you are, then you really do mean the world to me. I think you're awesome. I want to see lives changed on this trip. Cover me, cover us in prayer. Pray for the bus ride the days down there and back - for good conversations and situations. Pray for the night at the hotel in Albuquerque for the same: good conversations. Pray for the week of work that we will all learn how to be servants. Pray for opportunities with the Chinleans. Pray for a safe trip home and for God to seal up the experience in our hearts.

Thanks for everything.
Grace and Peace
Thomas

Positive

I think that negative faith is gonna kill me. I don't know a word for it. But what I'm talking about is the idea of faith - hoping for something as if you're patiently expecting it, or believing in it - but in a bad way. Like, I guess dreading things. Or...well...i don't know! I can't think of the word. Whatever it is to expect bad things to happen...believing things to happen badly subconsciously. Anyways, I have a feeling that that's the mindset I live with sometimes. I need to be optimistic.

It's strange to say that, because I think of myself as an EXTREMELY positive person. But maybe deep down I'm not...

Maybe, in my inner person, I am a cynic and a skeptic, doubting everything and judging everyone. I definietly do judge people in a way. Being different than others, looking different, acting different has over time definitely made me into a person who assumes that when people (especially adults and rednecks, hahaha) see me, they see some unruly, disrespectful teenager who can't be a good kid, and who must be just some girly sissy who has no fight or determination in him. man...that's crazy. Looking at that, typing that, now reading that, I think that that must be how I view myself. If I'm not confident in who I am in Christ (I was at one point, but I guess, looking at this, things have changed) then something's gotta give. Because I'm absolutely not any of those things.

When I judge others I judge myself. Plain and simple. And I become what I assume others to judge me as. But I'm not, and I don't see myself that way.

I think that I'm often a cynic, and I look at my life half empty. Like....i don't know, it's hard to explain. But I think that a lot of times I view circumstances or relationships as doomed to failure, and I worry that things won't work out for me like I want them to. Yet, in contrast, I am FULL of faith, and I'm quick to believe and trust crazy things of God that others might doubt.

So is it a flaw of character, or a simple mindset that needs to be altered?

I think that it's a mindset. I think that I haven't always been like this. But more than think, I KNOW that the good Lord can change me. So that's what I need now. I need to become broken and tattered, so God can take the misplaced and misguidedly-built pieces of me and put me back together correctly. That's all I need.

Jesus, I ask that you will remove all worry from my mind. I plead for enough grace to clear my head and realize that You are my overwhelming solution to every worry I have. I just want to be like you. As much as is possible.

Flux

I am in a state of flux right now.


This has nothing to do with this blog, though could definitely be a minor insignificant portion of my emotional complex right now.

I am changing, more and more awake and alive each day. But I've had some serious setbacks so far this Christmas break. I think that because I was in such a vibrant spiritual state of growth come end of november and beginning of december, ol' Lucifer got pissed off and decided to try to distract me and attack me. He definitely succeeded, and I had a major flesh vs. spirit breakdown. Praise be to the Lord for redeeming me from that though. He was pursuing me so hard...I finally gave in to Him and realized how dumb I was to even be using my fleshly sin-ridden mind for anything. He proved how he uses all things for my good when my sin, though detrimental to me, caused post-failure situations that brought lots of life and a lot of my inward change and thought. I learned things about myself I hadn't previously known, and I'm getting to know myself quite a bit better. I'm really a cool person, I'm finding, but more pervasive is that I'm very weak. Which is good, because the weaker I am, the more Christ's power and strength are used through me. The dilemma has changed slightly though, because now, though free of sin, I have lost a sense of intimacy and self-discipline with the Lord. I'm battling subconcsious feelings of apathy or selfishness. While a few weeks ago I'd be living in constant intimacy and worship with God, now I'm fighting to even remember God throughout the day.

So here I am - in the balance. Things have potential to change dramatically for the good in my life. But also I am prone to wasting time and losing that potential. So what can I do to make use of the rest of my time? I think firstly I need to practically spend time reading my bible. I've been out of rhythm for a while now. I need to establish a solid routine and spend lots more time with Him every day. That is the most important aspect of my life, and simply investing more time in it is the easiest way I know how to know Jesus better.

Sometimes I just wish He'd come back.

I want Him to just come back to earth now, the long awaited day when the sky opens and the clouds are rolled back. I mean...how amazing would it be? But that's not at all why I want him to come back. I want him to come back to bring restoration to this world, to make everything as it should be, and so that I could finally see the actual eradication of sin and death forever. I'm tired of striving and dealing with life stuff that is so involving and so complicated...like girls, and my future, and my dreams. Jesus coming back would relieve me of any of that preoccupation or worry. And I could finally be DONE.

Right now I don't know...I just don't. I've been confused in life many times the past 2 months, now is no exception. I am having my heart pulled so strongly...in one way, yet sometimes in another. I just don't know how someone can be so...right? Yet sometimes I turn from that beloved towards another, but only for a small amount of time before I'm wrested from it and pulled back. I worry that I could make a wrong decision and ruin what or who God has for me, yet I also want do go forward so strongly. I know though, that right now I can't. I cannot be involved in a relationship yet, and I don't want to. Though I long to have it, right now I need to be working towards fulfilling my dreams, working on my music and building the church. A relationship with a girl would be time consuming...life-consuming, and that's how it's meant to be. I honestly can't wait. But right now, I don't think that's what God has for me. But as I type this, I also see things lined up so perfectly...and it makes me wonder just the opposite. Could I possibly be in relationship with someone and not be hindered from my dreams? I don't know. And BECAUSE I don't know, I have to wait on the Lord. I want to make this right. If it's what it's supposed to be that is. And to make it right, that requires patience. Yet also some determination at some point...to go for the gold, so to speak. I don't have that at this moment. But there will come a time...

I'll just continue seeking the Lord in this. And you can see the results. Or feel them...depending on who you are.

It'll be good though.

What is hope? Where is righteousness? Where is strength? I sure don't see any right now.

Ask.

James 4

Submit Yourselves to God
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

This passage came alive to me when I was reading at school today. The idea that 'the sole reason we have quarrels and fights with one another is that we want something but don't get' it is both groundbreaking and simple.

It's crazy to get to the roots of life, the very foundational theological and philosophical truths and ideas that make life life, and to see how everything works and why it works the way it does. I wrote the other day about how simple it is to have Joy in all circumstances and to be free of sin - keep your eyes focused on Jesus. And today, I see that any personal issues we have are simply there because we have needs that aren't being met by God. And not because He is depriving us of something we need, but because we aren't ASKING for and therefore RECIEVING the satisfaction for our needs.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? You want something but don't get it.

It's so true! We humans are way too focused on ourselves and meeting our selfish fleshly desires that we don't see the outstretched, open hand in front of us. And, on an even more embarrassing level, the people of God's church are so fixed on getting what they want, be it spiritual, emotional, or physical, thinking that spiritual rituals or good deeds will suffice, that we are blind to the God we claim to serve! I can't believe how embarrassed Christ must be of His bride when he sees us fighting amongst each other, quarreling over eternally trivial trivialities, missing the whole point of His sacrifice.

All we must do is focus on Jesus - see who He is and therefore who WE are, and then ask Him to satisfy our needs. I promise, He'll do it every time, as long as we're asking Him to give us more of Himself. Once we begin to actually ASK God to fulfill our battling desires, we'll lose a lot of church members' drama and win a lot of skeptics' hearts.

We're all in this together.