Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Who I am

Who I am.

I met with the University Scholar Dean, Dr. Smith today. He was both charming and challenging, understanding yet unwavering. He helped me more in 15 minutes than any of my advisers or career counselors have done in hours upon hours. I mentioned my current major, and he firmly rejected me initially, saying that I wasn't made for the program. Of course he communicated it graciously, as is his kind, but still believed that I wasn't made for the program. He described the program as emphasizing thinking. Lots of thinking. It's not pre-professional. This is where I went wrong in thinking. I guess the thing I was hoping for was a program that could get me experience and knowledge in multiple fields, but I just don't know what my focus is. I don't know what I want to end up doing.

On one hand I want to step up to this challenge, to do whatever it takes, figure out how to join the program, and jump all in. But on the other hand, I am turned off.

What would Jesus study?

The thing is, while I see the value in a liberal education, I don't want to succumb to the temptations of thought. Yes, we need to think about faith and life, yes we need to not blindly accept things, but the neither the disciples nor Jesus were highly educated, and look at all they accomplished. I feel like faith can easily be weakened by thought, by a focus on thinking and analyzing and philosophizing. I made my choice, I committed to following Jesus and trusting His word as my ultimate authority. I can't break this commitment, this covenant that I have forged in blood. And it almost seems that to focus my next three years on thought and logic would break this covenant in a way.

Ultimately, I am to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God.
Ultimately, my calling is to be obedient and to make disciples.

So how can University Scholars aid me in this endeavor, this holy charge, this divine mandate?

God has also given me a mind to steward.

When Dr. Smith asked me what my SAT scores were, I replied that I am a National Merit Scholar Finalist. His countenance changed as he realized that I was serious about what I was talking about. He put in balance two ideas:

1) Bringing me in to the program to test me, grow me, and kick me in the butt academically and
2) Making sure that I am not changing myself, the desires in my heart in order to get into a program that will mold me in a different direction than I need to go.

So, which side do I fall on? Do I need to pursue this opportunity, or do I need to find something else to do?

I don't think that what I want to do requires a degree of ANY kind. Involvement in church planting, college ministry, or youth ministry depends only on faithfulness in what I'm given. Jacob's job would require experience, but I don't know if I would need to necessarily have the same experience as him to do something similar.

I guess it all comes down to the voice of God.