Sunday, January 25, 2009


I think somewhere along the line I forgot

who I was living for.
why I am alive.
who satisfies me.
who knows me.
who knows what is best for me.

Why do I keep trying to do things my way? I'm such an idiot. I bet angels in heaven are so frustrated with me right now! They see me trying to make choices which I think will be best for me and are shouting "NO! Don't do that! You don't know what you're doing!" Yet I blindly do my own thing, ruining my spiritual life.

I don't know what to do. I'm praying and seeking The Lord. I'm still confused. But one thing I know for sure - whatever happens in life will benefit all who love The Lord. I have no worries there. But the immediate costs or immediate repercussions bother me greatly.

It concerns me that this kind of situation I'm in spiritually has happened before, and hasn't benefited me whatsoever. I don't want to waste my time.

I'm found in Your arms of love,
Your love it has saved my soul,
I'll run to Your arms of love,
Your light's gonna lead me home

Father, lead US home to your arms. For everyone I know - to love TRULY love them, I surrender EVERYTHING to love you more.

Monday, January 12, 2009


T-2 days till we leave for Chinle, Arizona on our student council "Four Corners Service Learning Trip", a fancy, cheesy, politically correct name for a school-led mission trip.

From everything I know, which, now that I'm 2 days away is quite a bit, this trip is gonna be off the chain. ahh..that sounded lame. This trip is gonna be the bomb trip is going to be totally life changing.

there we go.

Though I realize the enormous scale of the trip and the weight of what we're doing, I still have no idea what to expect. I am praying (and you can pray for me while I'm gone) a few specific things:

1. Pray for safety and health.

This trip involves a lot of traveling, as well as a lot of room for error. We are bringing an 18 wheeler full of food, clothes, toys, and feed, and every detail with that trailer needs to go perfectly. There are about 50 people going, sponsors included, and keeping track with everyone will be difficult. Temperatures will likely be below zero in Chinle, and last year was HORRIBLE with everyone getting sick. so basically...anything that i said that's bad, pray the opposite of. obviously :)

2. Pray for my experience and influence.

Because I'm a senior, this is my last chance to go to Chinle. I will never be able to go on this trip again, and because of that, I want to take in every moment we're there and also make the most of every opportunity. In fact, pray FOR opportunities. I have a lot of influence on the student council group, and this group is, in my opinion, the most influential group, and is made up of the most influential people on the Cooper campus. Lives being changed for the Kingdom and people realizing the call of Christ on their lives, would, from this group, literally change our school. I want to play a part in that, and I want God to pretty much do what only He CAN do. Change lives. Save people.

3. Pray for the Navajo.

This is the most important by far. I will see my student council friends again, and they will see me again, but I will NEVER see the Chinleans again. This is my only chance to shine the light that Jesus is inside of ME to them. But pray not only because of me - the Navajo are lost and need Jesus. They are a deeply spiritual people who are very attentive to the supernatural, the spiritual, and the unseen. Unfortunately, a good number of christians coming on the trip are not; most are very traditional and/or apathetic about their faith. I may be one of only a couple who has a good amount of experience dealing with the supernatural and with supernatural warfare. These people don't need to be convinced that God is real, like Americans do. They need to be convinced that our God is more powerful than their gods are. In summary - pray for our group to shine as a light of God by our actions and by our words if necessary to these Navajo people. Pray for salvation.

Thank you, if you're reading this. If you are, then you really do mean the world to me. I think you're awesome. I want to see lives changed on this trip. Cover me, cover us in prayer. Pray for the bus ride the days down there and back - for good conversations and situations. Pray for the night at the hotel in Albuquerque for the same: good conversations. Pray for the week of work that we will all learn how to be servants. Pray for opportunities with the Chinleans. Pray for a safe trip home and for God to seal up the experience in our hearts.

Thanks for everything.
Grace and Peace

Friday, January 2, 2009


I think that negative faith is gonna kill me. I don't know a word for it. But what I'm talking about is the idea of faith - hoping for something as if you're patiently expecting it, or believing in it - but in a bad way. Like, I guess dreading things. Or...well...i don't know! I can't think of the word. Whatever it is to expect bad things to happen...believing things to happen badly subconsciously. Anyways, I have a feeling that that's the mindset I live with sometimes. I need to be optimistic.

It's strange to say that, because I think of myself as an EXTREMELY positive person. But maybe deep down I'm not...

Maybe, in my inner person, I am a cynic and a skeptic, doubting everything and judging everyone. I definietly do judge people in a way. Being different than others, looking different, acting different has over time definitely made me into a person who assumes that when people (especially adults and rednecks, hahaha) see me, they see some unruly, disrespectful teenager who can't be a good kid, and who must be just some girly sissy who has no fight or determination in him. man...that's crazy. Looking at that, typing that, now reading that, I think that that must be how I view myself. If I'm not confident in who I am in Christ (I was at one point, but I guess, looking at this, things have changed) then something's gotta give. Because I'm absolutely not any of those things.

When I judge others I judge myself. Plain and simple. And I become what I assume others to judge me as. But I'm not, and I don't see myself that way.

I think that I'm often a cynic, and I look at my life half empty. Like....i don't know, it's hard to explain. But I think that a lot of times I view circumstances or relationships as doomed to failure, and I worry that things won't work out for me like I want them to. Yet, in contrast, I am FULL of faith, and I'm quick to believe and trust crazy things of God that others might doubt.

So is it a flaw of character, or a simple mindset that needs to be altered?

I think that it's a mindset. I think that I haven't always been like this. But more than think, I KNOW that the good Lord can change me. So that's what I need now. I need to become broken and tattered, so God can take the misplaced and misguidedly-built pieces of me and put me back together correctly. That's all I need.

Jesus, I ask that you will remove all worry from my mind. I plead for enough grace to clear my head and realize that You are my overwhelming solution to every worry I have. I just want to be like you. As much as is possible.