Positive

I think that negative faith is gonna kill me. I don't know a word for it. But what I'm talking about is the idea of faith - hoping for something as if you're patiently expecting it, or believing in it - but in a bad way. Like, I guess dreading things. Or...well...i don't know! I can't think of the word. Whatever it is to expect bad things to happen...believing things to happen badly subconsciously. Anyways, I have a feeling that that's the mindset I live with sometimes. I need to be optimistic.

It's strange to say that, because I think of myself as an EXTREMELY positive person. But maybe deep down I'm not...

Maybe, in my inner person, I am a cynic and a skeptic, doubting everything and judging everyone. I definietly do judge people in a way. Being different than others, looking different, acting different has over time definitely made me into a person who assumes that when people (especially adults and rednecks, hahaha) see me, they see some unruly, disrespectful teenager who can't be a good kid, and who must be just some girly sissy who has no fight or determination in him. man...that's crazy. Looking at that, typing that, now reading that, I think that that must be how I view myself. If I'm not confident in who I am in Christ (I was at one point, but I guess, looking at this, things have changed) then something's gotta give. Because I'm absolutely not any of those things.

When I judge others I judge myself. Plain and simple. And I become what I assume others to judge me as. But I'm not, and I don't see myself that way.

I think that I'm often a cynic, and I look at my life half empty. Like....i don't know, it's hard to explain. But I think that a lot of times I view circumstances or relationships as doomed to failure, and I worry that things won't work out for me like I want them to. Yet, in contrast, I am FULL of faith, and I'm quick to believe and trust crazy things of God that others might doubt.

So is it a flaw of character, or a simple mindset that needs to be altered?

I think that it's a mindset. I think that I haven't always been like this. But more than think, I KNOW that the good Lord can change me. So that's what I need now. I need to become broken and tattered, so God can take the misplaced and misguidedly-built pieces of me and put me back together correctly. That's all I need.

Jesus, I ask that you will remove all worry from my mind. I plead for enough grace to clear my head and realize that You are my overwhelming solution to every worry I have. I just want to be like you. As much as is possible.