Sunday, November 30, 2008


I think that my personality is drawn towards isolation.

But not in that I am antisocial...I just always find my focus very narrow and very strong. It's why I'm easily distracted from God, easily occupied with something or someone or some idea. My focus is pretty difficult to grab, but when it is successfully arrested, I cannot clear my head.

This song has been circulating my head recently:

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace."

It seems that if I am merely to affix my thoughts, my attentions, my concentration on ONE THING, then all my problems will go away. It's true, but it isn't easy. I love that God doesn't ask us to fight in the unending war against sin and our flesh. My earthly mindset usually defaults to that warring mentality, that all of life is one huge struggle in which I'm merely a boat at sea, afloat only from one wave to the next while in between I drown in self pity or in self consumption. Or I'm just salt in the snow, just melted and left behind all alone in the road. Either way, I'm constantly losing, and if I can just read my bible more or pray longer or not screw up, I'll win. But that mentality is wrong, it's no better than sheol. An open grave. A dead end.

The most arduous aspect of my life is that I can't seem to remember God's truths for long enough to apply them. It's like I get to the situation where I need to remember what's true most, and I collapse and just start thinking of myself's all sin.

When I can remember God's truths though....I really do win.
Honestly, I'm always winning. But I just don't see it that way for the majority of the time. I shouldn't have to be struggling against my flesh - Jesus ripped it all off of me when He took my punishment. I just have to remember that Jesus already won for me. I guess that's the whole idea of focus - always keeping in mind the truth that Jesus won. And I live in freedom and victory.

It's good to know all of that when I go into times of doubt or depression. Because I can very easily swing into a state of emotional relapse as long as the right factors are placed together...someone or something outside of myself does something I wasn't planning on. I get put in a position of check-mate. Good thing my Father can swipe the board.

So what am I to do? Just try to think about Jesus more? Maybe. Perhaps I need to worship and acknowledge him in every little thing I do. Worship him by how I type. Praise him by how I walk down the stairs. Rejoice in Him as I brush my teeth. Exalt him as I drink my water. Think about him while I watch a movie and glorify Him through my abilities. It's time for surrender.

Jesus, I turn my gaze and I FIX IT on you, Lord. You are now all I see, every move I make is for you, and only in you can I make it. I breathe because of you, I breathe for you. Let me just take ten minutes and look at your face. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

How beautiful is the King perfect peace, summed up by a love so perfect and flawless and impervious that He would be just as happy without me or earth or a milky way galaxy. He needs no one, yet chooses - out of his unmeasurable, unfathomable goodness - to extend the Love contained in the trinity to us. Now Love is in me. Now I can live for You.

Monday, November 24, 2008


You know sometimes I don't understand why people always say they want to leave so badly.

Everyone's always saying "I can't wait to get out of abilene, I hate this place, or I just can't wait to leave."

I think people, myself included, tend to get caught up in the mindset that once we leave, we're gonna be completely new people.

Because the people who say how much they can't wait to leave are also many times the ones who go on and on about how they want to make a difference, how they love people, and they want to reach people and see great things happen. It appears they think that by leaving they'll be new people that are unashamed of the gospel, un-apathetic, ready to see great change in their new environment. Do they seriously think that a change of location is equal to a change of heart?

Here's my thing: I want change, now - just like everyone else! But I don't want to say that and then go on and on about how I want to leave this city behind in the dust. I believe that as a bible believing lover of Jesus, my heart is compelled towards the place I am, here and now. I must be active in my home! In abilene. My heart is for God to do the amazing things He's doing at IHOP, and Hillsong, and Bill Johnson's church HERE. There's nothing wrong with going to some of these places for seasons to be equipped, experienced, and filled. But when the reason we're leaving our HOME is because we simply want those experiences for ourselves, we have become selfish, apathetic, cold, uncaring christians who are willing to disregard home for faraway experiences in comfort of that being the "accepted thing.". Laziness is the key word here - we are too lazy to bring IHOP and Hillsong to home...because, let's admit, it's far easier to go and have those experiences in their current natural environment than it is to fight for changing the atmosphere of our home and our surroundings. We can't leave these cities behind by copping out and jumping in on a powerful christian bandwagon faraway. Those bandwagons, like IHOP, started out as people doing the hard things to make change in their environment and circumstances, and the end results are obvious. Now they're so powerful that they're sweeping christians in along with them! I think it's about damn time Abilene had a bandwagon!

Sunday, November 23, 2008


it's saturday night!

and today was a very interesting, bad, awesome day! I did.....nothing, the entire afternoon, until me and blake longboarded for a long time. Then I did nothing for another hour before going to the saltzgabers' to eat/play risk. And that was obviously a freaking party. but the first half was so uneventful....I really REALLY think I need some self discipline, and fast. I mean, I don't need to fast (or maybe i do?). quickly is a better word. I should have (and needed to) read my bible earlier today but just didn't get around to it. procrastination and distraction. but no more.

OWL CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I'm Done.

I've gotta do it nike style.

God, here as I sit upstairs, I know you're looking at me with so much affection and jealousy. I've been thinking about our relationship...and I realize things are getting serious. The thing is, I know you have so much awesome stuff planned out for me, but I do so many things that keep me from even seeing the amazing plans you have. I'm not gonna hinder myself from getting to You any more. I'm ready to give you everything. God, I know that what you have for me is infinitely better and more satisfying than anything else in creation or anything I can seek. I'm gonna seek you.

I think that God's got some floodgates right over my head, and I want him to dump Himself out on me...but it won't happen until the day I choose Him over myself. And that day is today. God you can have anything. It's all yours if you want it.

Why is surrender such a hard concept to get inside my head? Why are we humans so inherently stubborn and thick-skinned? Is that sin? I think that's probably it. How else could we be so supernaturally stubborn? Every day there's a new way to surrender myself to Him. In other words, I'm constantly finding new parts of my character or my life that aren't His. I'm keeping them for myself instead of giving Him control.

Jesus, please change me from who I've been lately. Cause I've been here far too long. I'm not sure, but I don't think I miss that life. But I know that I'm nothing without you.