Focus

I think that my personality is drawn towards isolation.

But not in that I am antisocial...I just always find my focus very narrow and very strong. It's why I'm easily distracted from God, easily occupied with something or someone or some idea. My focus is pretty difficult to grab, but when it is successfully arrested, I cannot clear my head.

This song has been circulating my head recently:

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace."

It seems that if I am merely to affix my thoughts, my attentions, my concentration on ONE THING, then all my problems will go away. It's true, but it isn't easy. I love that God doesn't ask us to fight in the unending war against sin and our flesh. My earthly mindset usually defaults to that warring mentality, that all of life is one huge struggle in which I'm merely a boat at sea, afloat only from one wave to the next while in between I drown in self pity or in self consumption. Or I'm just salt in the snow, just melted and left behind all alone in the road. Either way, I'm constantly losing, and if I can just read my bible more or pray longer or not screw up, I'll win. But that mentality is wrong, it's no better than sheol. An open grave. A dead end.

The most arduous aspect of my life is that I can't seem to remember God's truths for long enough to apply them. It's like I get to the situation where I need to remember what's true most, and I collapse and just start thinking of myself again....it's all sin.

When I can remember God's truths though....I really do win.
Honestly, I'm always winning. But I just don't see it that way for the majority of the time. I shouldn't have to be struggling against my flesh - Jesus ripped it all off of me when He took my punishment. I just have to remember that Jesus already won for me. I guess that's the whole idea of focus - always keeping in mind the truth that Jesus won. And I live in freedom and victory.

It's good to know all of that when I go into times of doubt or depression. Because I can very easily swing into a state of emotional relapse as long as the right factors are placed together...someone or something outside of myself does something I wasn't planning on. I get put in a position of check-mate. Good thing my Father can swipe the board.

So what am I to do? Just try to think about Jesus more? Maybe. Perhaps I need to worship and acknowledge him in every little thing I do. Worship him by how I type. Praise him by how I walk down the stairs. Rejoice in Him as I brush my teeth. Exalt him as I drink my water. Think about him while I watch a movie and glorify Him through my abilities. It's time for surrender.

Jesus, I turn my gaze and I FIX IT on you, Lord. You are now all I see, every move I make is for you, and only in you can I make it. I breathe because of you, I breathe for you. Let me just take ten minutes and look at your face. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

How beautiful is the King enthroned...in perfect peace, summed up by a love so perfect and flawless and impervious that He would be just as happy without me or earth or a milky way galaxy. He needs no one, yet chooses - out of his unmeasurable, unfathomable goodness - to extend the Love contained in the trinity to us. Now Love is in me. Now I can live for You.