Thursday, October 1, 2009


This week I've had a fairly large awakening and epiphany in my life. As a part of Antioch's 3 day fast, I went to several of the prayer/worship meetings throughout the days. On Monday I got filled up with more of the Holy Spirit to connect with God more deeply and intimately, dancing on the devil and being built up on the inside as a strong man of God. Tuesday was difficult...but Wednesday night provided a ton of breakthrough. After church was over, I found myself wandering around not wanting to leave for some reason. As I aimlessly wandered at the front of the room, a guy named Tony came up to me and prayed for me saying God highlighted me to him all through the evening and he saw that God had a lot of presence and favor on me, and he wanted to ask why. He had a vision for me; he saw me coming up over the hill, dancing, crazy abandoned for Jesus, and I had a giant army behind me. I've had a similar vision/word given to me at least 3 other times the past few weeks. Anyways, as he kept praying several things started to get inside my spirit...that I would be a "yes" man for God, that there would be a yes in my heart, in my inner man, an automatic, no-hesitation yes for God whenever he called me to do something. That I was made weak so God could be strong through me. Then another guy joined in praying for me. The holy spirit was moving in my heart as I began to laugh and move at His guidance. As more of the holy spirit and His revelation hit me I would flinch and wince in joy. Owen Wible soon joined in, and when he prayed for me a TON of joy flooded me! I started falling down, and God's holy spirit and joy baptized me anew! WOW! I was undone with His goodness, his joy, and I was fine with looking like a fool for Him. After a long time of rolling around on the floor with Owen praying for me, we got up and he could barely stand. He was so drunk, so wasted in the holy spirit, and I wanted what he had. I said to him "I don't think I've been drinking enough wine!" and then I asked him if he could give me what he had. So we went at it again, SO MUCH FUN! We both were knocked down in the spirit and God released to me a sensitivity to his spirit that would control and dominate me, and God released groanings in the spirit. Wow. God is so fun, so good, so loving! After the night was over I found myself joyful and satisfied. But this morning when I met with Jeff Jones for discipleship, I felt a conviction and a guilt (which I now realize is NOT from God!) that I must strive to reach out to others. I felt a weight that I need to share the gospel and pray for people I don't know. But God has just spoken to me that although that is His heart for his people, His yoke is easy, His burden is light, and there is NO striving! I only need to rest in Him, and follow Him. It's so SIMPLE!!! I want to share out of joy, not obligation! I want to share though. And I yearn and I PRAY that as I seek Him out that he will show me how to overflow where and when and how He wants me to. He has removed all my guilt for not sharing with people, and he's filling in me a new heart, new love for people, a passion for giving freely to all I come in contact with! And now that I think about it again, what am I called to do, but surrender myself to Him. I want to give myself to God, give myself completely to God. And let Him do what He wants since He knows best. So in the end, it's only about letting go! As I let go, I lose feelings of obligation. Instead, I just do what Holy Spirit says! Following Jesus. So SIMPLE!

Friday, May 29, 2009


where do you go,
where does it stop,
when the beginning is the end?
what is the point,
pointed at you,
with a line drawn through it?
is it a hill you don’t wanna climb?
hiking up hesitation
sliding back down
creating a path
although you never even knew it.

It has been far too long.

I am miles away from where I want to be and who I want to be. I'm walking blindly through a season of life in which I need to be acutely sensitive to God. I'm stuck in a cycle of hell that spins me endlessly through apathy and longing to no avail. God please save me.


I feel.

Something is wrong with me. I can't see it. I can see its effects but I'm missing it. I haven't been myself lately. Yet at the same time I've been more Thomas than I ever have been before. Why is my heart so freaking capricious?

I am fickle and unstable in all of my ways, prone to trust a photograph or a chemical before lending my decisiveness to an authority that could actually command my joy and happiness, bringing them out in my life to my joy and others' benefit.
A selfish heart keeps all.

My heart is so capricious. I hate it with every gut inside of me. I hate what it causes me to do or feel or think. And when it controls my life, my life becomes capricious.

God how can I escape this downward cycle that I am in? How do I get away from my feelings, escape my emotions and the effects they have on my life? I feel chained to it all, strapped down and bonded.

My heart is so capricious.

Today, I went to school for the last time. Last regular day of high school. I don't feel it, of course not. But I'm starting to. And I'm starting to think that I don't really know what to do with myself. Change is hard for me, it takes a lot of emotional response and scene-setting for me to feel like my inner compulsions are satisfied.

My heart is so capricious. I say that everything is horrible, yet I feel more alive and happier at times than ever before. I get high off of either Jesus or circumstance, and I'm pretty darn sure it's circumstance because a high off of Jesus doesn't wear off.

Everything is horrible because it isn't. My life is defined by circumstance. Who I'm around is who I love. What happens during the day is how I feel. And where I am is who I am.

But it's about time for the turning point...

Whether I've enough time to spend with God these days or not, thisiknow: He transcends me. He does. I should stop making a big deal out of small issues. I should start trusting Him to take care of everything instead of stressing and worrying. He knows me, and His light's gonna lead me home. I have been too far gone from His arms of love. This happens every time, but I'm gonna get off now. I've gone way past my stop and I think I'd rather walk from here. Hoping that the subway would come around my block again was a naive hope, a faded dream left back on two-hundred-fourteenth street. I should stop believing that lie. Sitting and waiting for life to change, for circumstance to throw me into the arms of love is ultimate cowardice and foolishness. So now that I'm far away, I'll walk with You. No matter how far it is to get to where I need to be, now I walk with You Lord.

Funny how much of an emphasis I let music have in my life. It can control me very easily if I let it. But God transcends me. He is so much Higher. So by some coincidence He chooses to use this beautiful gift to guide me and nudge me in the proper direction, giving me inspiration and peace through words and melodies.

And through words and melodies I shall relate back to Him, singing out my love till my lungs give out, letting Him know that I'm trusting Him, that as of May 29th, I SET MY HEART ON YOU! Let it be known.

Sometimes a little love is all it takes to make a difference. I hope that the little love I have right now will carry me as high as I need to go...or as far away from this train as I can get.

Dear God,

I can't bear to look at you. I've been walking in darkness, only seeking you when it would directly benefit me or serve my selfish needs. I've been so LAZY God! How can I neglect to spend time with the one I KNOW will change me and make it all better? How could I say no to you so many times? Oh God I am sorry! I don't want to keep you at a distance, I don't want to feel like I have to do something in order for you to come close, can you please just sit here with me and look at me? Tell me I'm clean. Tell me I'm pure. And I promise I won't stay this way, I promise I'll get up and walk behind you. It's hard for me to throw down my agenda, but I'll do it this time - and all the rest. Oh GOD I know You're worth it. You, it, THIS is worth it all. Let change, let your Love flood my heart so I know that I'm not mistaken. Give me more of yourself. Drain my life of Thomas James Wilson, take all of him out of the equation. I pray that you integrate every part of yourself, and take the derivative and every single variable out of the equation until only YOU remain. The constant. Christ in me. Let me not grow weary or numb, but forgive me and wash me clean. When I can't feel you, I will seek you just the same, I WILL. God forgive me, wash me clean, please. I just want you. All this time, I realize, I've ever only wanted you. So could you please give yourself to me? I'll do anything.

I love you.

Here I stand, arms open wide.
I am yours, and You are mine.


Monday, April 27, 2009

I want Jesus

Welcome to Day 2 of seeking the Lord like crazy season. I want to be so close to The Lord I can feel him...I want Him. Nothing else. I want to be holy, righteous, and pure before Him and anyone else..above reproach. It's hard though, very time consuming, and as much as I mature I find myself reverting back to my old ways quickly and easily. But I have to try harder...deny my flesh quicker, become stronger. I can't let Satan have any foothold in my life.

Maturing is strange. I feel a bit nostalgic and a lot older. For some reason as God calls me to greater levels of devotion I find myself struggling to adapt, BUT ironically, even if it doesn't make sense, I find myself adapting easily. I feel like I'm finally making the turn from a stupid boy to a man...a man of God, a man of wisdom, a man of humility. So keep it up, Lord...Don't stop calling me out. I'm here and I'm willing.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


What is it that is deep inside our human natures, embedded in our souls, that causes us to seek out, to whatever end, LOVE from others? Why are we so empty, such FRAGILE broken beings? We're so helpless, so easily lured in by pretty words or a reaffirming touch or just the idea of having someone say that you are good. Some seek this love in girls, some in athletics, some in acceptance, some in themselves, but no matter how far I run and how much I try to do, I cannot fill this void inside my being. It is constantly empty, no matter how many youth group events I go to, no matter how many Settlers of Catan or Risk games I play (and win) with the guys, no matter how many songs I listen to, and no matter how hard I try to stuff myself with things that FEEL good. None of it is keeping my appetites satisfied! I know this all, but my life is a constant cycle of reminding myself what I know and trying to get it to connect with my heart. I fail and I fail again yet I don't learn long enough before I screw things up all over again. C.S. Lewis put things in perspective best when he compared our desires for earthly love to making mudpies in a slum. We think that our methods, our ways are so perfect, so succinct! For some reason we are amazingly proud of ourselves! Look at the culture around us, we market sex and money and popularity as if it is this amazing, achievable thing that any person with an american dream can fulfill. And this cancer infects our thinking, creates in our minds these amazing dreams, dreams of becoming rockstars, having families, getting the girl, all that jazz. What is so great about these dreams? Do we believe, do we HONESTLY believe that the realization of such aspirations would be enough? The reality is, we are in the midst of a realm of creation that is not meant to be its own food. We - created things - try to in essence consume created things with a strange belief that it will make us happy. We live in a culture that believes that what we have is all there is. No wonder we're making mudpies in a slum. We don't comprehend that mud and slums are the lowest of the low. We haven't seen better. Or we've forgotten...we are so quick to forget.



When we encounter God's love it is an amazing feeling, an experience not easy to forget. Yet at our weakest moments we seem to scramble for a memory, a glimpse of what that was like...But the truth is that

God's love is on a completely, entirely different paradigm than any of our minds, hearts, souls, technology, intellects can comprehend or imagine. It's like music and salsa, they just do not compare whatsoever. Yet our Gracious God bridged this seemingly impossible gap with analogies and experiences that strain and reach for the Truth. His word is full of them. Maybe we need to read to remember.

Since when did our gaze fall so low to each other? Let's fix it back on Him. There is a whole realm that we have barely touched into...we've barely tapped into the mystics of the supernatural, of miracles and encounters that some humans could not even dream to be possible. Yet all we must do is believe.

We have the option of living every day to its maximum potential, encountering God's love every second. IF we are willing. If we are listening, watching. If we make the simple but sometimes painful choice to PRAISE GOD in EVERY season, every circumstance, simply because He deserves it.

People were never meant to satisfy each others' cravings for Love...that can only be found in Him...then after in Him, He may just choose to pour out more of that love, which only comes from Him, through something or someone else.

"In heaven there will be no anguish, and no duty of turning away from our earthly beloveds - first, because we will have already turned from the portraits to the original, from the rivulets to the fountain, from the creatures He made lovable to Love Himself. But secondly, because shall find them all in Him. And by loving Him more than them, we shall love them more than we do now. All that we experience of Love on earth is but an echo of what we will one day experience."
- Crishan Jeyaratnam

The pain in life is the moments we struggle to feel the Love we so desperately need. But I have found a hope in anguish no dark night can damper. No matter what happens, I will hold to one thing - Christ's resurrection from the Grave, His love displayed for all to see, this glorious gospel of which I am somehow the center. His Love. His love is my confidence, and in confidence I will live. No longer in fear, but in faith. He is my Lord.

"A golden moment's come to pass, and it made a swift goodbye.
Waved its hand from left to right, saying bye, farewell, goodnight.
But it left me brave and bold like the knights of ages past,
Leaving courage like the dawn leaves dew upon the grass.
As morning glories bloom so do some things in life this way.
Rising early but well past noon, they weaken die and fade.
But there's many perspective buds still clinging to the vine,
Waiting in patience to show their glory at later times.

Oh, I got what I wanted, and I'll be afraid no more. I'll face all these toxic things, because I have finally found my bravery."

- weaver at the loom

It's time to face the battle.
The end is near.
But more than any impending doom or crashing sky
There is One who sees our struggles, catching every tear we cry
And knowing Him, seeing Him, can make every day so much brighter
than the one before.
He loves us, oh so much.

HE is the one I adore.


Sunday, January 25, 2009


I think somewhere along the line I forgot

who I was living for.
why I am alive.
who satisfies me.
who knows me.
who knows what is best for me.

Why do I keep trying to do things my way? I'm such an idiot. I bet angels in heaven are so frustrated with me right now! They see me trying to make choices which I think will be best for me and are shouting "NO! Don't do that! You don't know what you're doing!" Yet I blindly do my own thing, ruining my spiritual life.

I don't know what to do. I'm praying and seeking The Lord. I'm still confused. But one thing I know for sure - whatever happens in life will benefit all who love The Lord. I have no worries there. But the immediate costs or immediate repercussions bother me greatly.

It concerns me that this kind of situation I'm in spiritually has happened before, and hasn't benefited me whatsoever. I don't want to waste my time.

I'm found in Your arms of love,
Your love it has saved my soul,
I'll run to Your arms of love,
Your light's gonna lead me home

Father, lead US home to your arms. For everyone I know - to love TRULY love them, I surrender EVERYTHING to love you more.

Monday, January 12, 2009


T-2 days till we leave for Chinle, Arizona on our student council "Four Corners Service Learning Trip", a fancy, cheesy, politically correct name for a school-led mission trip.

From everything I know, which, now that I'm 2 days away is quite a bit, this trip is gonna be off the chain. ahh..that sounded lame. This trip is gonna be the bomb trip is going to be totally life changing.

there we go.

Though I realize the enormous scale of the trip and the weight of what we're doing, I still have no idea what to expect. I am praying (and you can pray for me while I'm gone) a few specific things:

1. Pray for safety and health.

This trip involves a lot of traveling, as well as a lot of room for error. We are bringing an 18 wheeler full of food, clothes, toys, and feed, and every detail with that trailer needs to go perfectly. There are about 50 people going, sponsors included, and keeping track with everyone will be difficult. Temperatures will likely be below zero in Chinle, and last year was HORRIBLE with everyone getting sick. so basically...anything that i said that's bad, pray the opposite of. obviously :)

2. Pray for my experience and influence.

Because I'm a senior, this is my last chance to go to Chinle. I will never be able to go on this trip again, and because of that, I want to take in every moment we're there and also make the most of every opportunity. In fact, pray FOR opportunities. I have a lot of influence on the student council group, and this group is, in my opinion, the most influential group, and is made up of the most influential people on the Cooper campus. Lives being changed for the Kingdom and people realizing the call of Christ on their lives, would, from this group, literally change our school. I want to play a part in that, and I want God to pretty much do what only He CAN do. Change lives. Save people.

3. Pray for the Navajo.

This is the most important by far. I will see my student council friends again, and they will see me again, but I will NEVER see the Chinleans again. This is my only chance to shine the light that Jesus is inside of ME to them. But pray not only because of me - the Navajo are lost and need Jesus. They are a deeply spiritual people who are very attentive to the supernatural, the spiritual, and the unseen. Unfortunately, a good number of christians coming on the trip are not; most are very traditional and/or apathetic about their faith. I may be one of only a couple who has a good amount of experience dealing with the supernatural and with supernatural warfare. These people don't need to be convinced that God is real, like Americans do. They need to be convinced that our God is more powerful than their gods are. In summary - pray for our group to shine as a light of God by our actions and by our words if necessary to these Navajo people. Pray for salvation.

Thank you, if you're reading this. If you are, then you really do mean the world to me. I think you're awesome. I want to see lives changed on this trip. Cover me, cover us in prayer. Pray for the bus ride the days down there and back - for good conversations and situations. Pray for the night at the hotel in Albuquerque for the same: good conversations. Pray for the week of work that we will all learn how to be servants. Pray for opportunities with the Chinleans. Pray for a safe trip home and for God to seal up the experience in our hearts.

Thanks for everything.
Grace and Peace

Friday, January 2, 2009


I think that negative faith is gonna kill me. I don't know a word for it. But what I'm talking about is the idea of faith - hoping for something as if you're patiently expecting it, or believing in it - but in a bad way. Like, I guess dreading things. Or...well...i don't know! I can't think of the word. Whatever it is to expect bad things to happen...believing things to happen badly subconsciously. Anyways, I have a feeling that that's the mindset I live with sometimes. I need to be optimistic.

It's strange to say that, because I think of myself as an EXTREMELY positive person. But maybe deep down I'm not...

Maybe, in my inner person, I am a cynic and a skeptic, doubting everything and judging everyone. I definietly do judge people in a way. Being different than others, looking different, acting different has over time definitely made me into a person who assumes that when people (especially adults and rednecks, hahaha) see me, they see some unruly, disrespectful teenager who can't be a good kid, and who must be just some girly sissy who has no fight or determination in him. man...that's crazy. Looking at that, typing that, now reading that, I think that that must be how I view myself. If I'm not confident in who I am in Christ (I was at one point, but I guess, looking at this, things have changed) then something's gotta give. Because I'm absolutely not any of those things.

When I judge others I judge myself. Plain and simple. And I become what I assume others to judge me as. But I'm not, and I don't see myself that way.

I think that I'm often a cynic, and I look at my life half empty. Like....i don't know, it's hard to explain. But I think that a lot of times I view circumstances or relationships as doomed to failure, and I worry that things won't work out for me like I want them to. Yet, in contrast, I am FULL of faith, and I'm quick to believe and trust crazy things of God that others might doubt.

So is it a flaw of character, or a simple mindset that needs to be altered?

I think that it's a mindset. I think that I haven't always been like this. But more than think, I KNOW that the good Lord can change me. So that's what I need now. I need to become broken and tattered, so God can take the misplaced and misguidedly-built pieces of me and put me back together correctly. That's all I need.

Jesus, I ask that you will remove all worry from my mind. I plead for enough grace to clear my head and realize that You are my overwhelming solution to every worry I have. I just want to be like you. As much as is possible.