Flux

I am in a state of flux right now.


This has nothing to do with this blog, though could definitely be a minor insignificant portion of my emotional complex right now.

I am changing, more and more awake and alive each day. But I've had some serious setbacks so far this Christmas break. I think that because I was in such a vibrant spiritual state of growth come end of november and beginning of december, ol' Lucifer got pissed off and decided to try to distract me and attack me. He definitely succeeded, and I had a major flesh vs. spirit breakdown. Praise be to the Lord for redeeming me from that though. He was pursuing me so hard...I finally gave in to Him and realized how dumb I was to even be using my fleshly sin-ridden mind for anything. He proved how he uses all things for my good when my sin, though detrimental to me, caused post-failure situations that brought lots of life and a lot of my inward change and thought. I learned things about myself I hadn't previously known, and I'm getting to know myself quite a bit better. I'm really a cool person, I'm finding, but more pervasive is that I'm very weak. Which is good, because the weaker I am, the more Christ's power and strength are used through me. The dilemma has changed slightly though, because now, though free of sin, I have lost a sense of intimacy and self-discipline with the Lord. I'm battling subconcsious feelings of apathy or selfishness. While a few weeks ago I'd be living in constant intimacy and worship with God, now I'm fighting to even remember God throughout the day.

So here I am - in the balance. Things have potential to change dramatically for the good in my life. But also I am prone to wasting time and losing that potential. So what can I do to make use of the rest of my time? I think firstly I need to practically spend time reading my bible. I've been out of rhythm for a while now. I need to establish a solid routine and spend lots more time with Him every day. That is the most important aspect of my life, and simply investing more time in it is the easiest way I know how to know Jesus better.

Sometimes I just wish He'd come back.

I want Him to just come back to earth now, the long awaited day when the sky opens and the clouds are rolled back. I mean...how amazing would it be? But that's not at all why I want him to come back. I want him to come back to bring restoration to this world, to make everything as it should be, and so that I could finally see the actual eradication of sin and death forever. I'm tired of striving and dealing with life stuff that is so involving and so complicated...like girls, and my future, and my dreams. Jesus coming back would relieve me of any of that preoccupation or worry. And I could finally be DONE.

Right now I don't know...I just don't. I've been confused in life many times the past 2 months, now is no exception. I am having my heart pulled so strongly...in one way, yet sometimes in another. I just don't know how someone can be so...right? Yet sometimes I turn from that beloved towards another, but only for a small amount of time before I'm wrested from it and pulled back. I worry that I could make a wrong decision and ruin what or who God has for me, yet I also want do go forward so strongly. I know though, that right now I can't. I cannot be involved in a relationship yet, and I don't want to. Though I long to have it, right now I need to be working towards fulfilling my dreams, working on my music and building the church. A relationship with a girl would be time consuming...life-consuming, and that's how it's meant to be. I honestly can't wait. But right now, I don't think that's what God has for me. But as I type this, I also see things lined up so perfectly...and it makes me wonder just the opposite. Could I possibly be in relationship with someone and not be hindered from my dreams? I don't know. And BECAUSE I don't know, I have to wait on the Lord. I want to make this right. If it's what it's supposed to be that is. And to make it right, that requires patience. Yet also some determination at some point...to go for the gold, so to speak. I don't have that at this moment. But there will come a time...

I'll just continue seeking the Lord in this. And you can see the results. Or feel them...depending on who you are.

It'll be good though.