I Never Thought I Would Need to Remember Those Sights or Those Sounds

If you haven't heard that song you are missing out.

I've been nostalgic for approximately 2.5 hours now...ever since I saw The Rocketboys play at Common Grounds, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the past. It started out as I thought back to several different times I have seen them in Abilene...some of the best times. Downtown, a sense of mystique combined with an old-fashioned feeling of danger, like one of those classic black and white movies where men wore fedoras and women always dressed up. Dark, but lit by citylight, and noise coming from the small coffee shop. Walking by and smelling the smoke of the Abilenean scene, and feeling the warmth of a tiny, intimate, christmas light lit room. Glancing back at the waterfall, the smoke shop, and the fire escapes before hearing it: Delayed guitar notes, playing a simple 2-3-4 progression. So simple, yet so moving...moving to a putt putt course from the 70's...enjoying the music almost as much as the new friendships and company that accompanies them. Leaving the front line totem pole view to converse on artificial green. Feeling things changing...opening up - maturing. Finishing the night at starbucks, a simple conversation in the warm summer air.

I could follow that trail all the way through lakes and driveways, unites and beltways, but I don't think that ended well...no, I don't remember it being fun at all.

Mornings, distraught beyond belief, forcing myself to go to school in grief, and breaking down. Another song for another time, this time coming from what an outsider would guess is 49 years old. This time, I cried.

And following the trail further I find myself back again in time, crying to yet another song...this one more heavenly focused, as I remember that He loves us. A small town, and an even smaller building...the cramped yet cozy worship nights that happened there, and the awful allure of people from another school and place. I remember once wishing on a star, yes, my star it was. And as the river flowed, with it came a flood of bad choices, indiscretion, and mistakes.

Yet I find that in hindsight, some of these memories appear bright. They appear beautiful, as if the Creator God who intended them from the beginning knew it would happen and purposefully painted a masterpiece out of them. Yes, my failures turn out for my good. But still, I digress...

Moving now in the present to my pictures to see what else comes up, I find that much of my life has been spent in attempts at being someone...someone I was not at the time, but slowly have become in a beautiful process. I see more pictures that bring to mind more painful situations...dresses and suits and a gazebo...calculators with segmented art and a lonely gorgeous drive west...the feeling that I was made for more than what I have been saying to the person I last messaged...guilt but forgiveness. Shame but covered with new honor.

I stand redeemed.

This Morning

when I was spending time with Jesus, He told me to write out every good thing I've received because he died and rose again. Here is the list (which is only 30 minutes worth, so if I had the time I'm sure we would all see that I'm hardly scratching the surface of all that He has done for us):

Because Jesus died and rose again...

I grew up in a family that loves me.
My parents raised me well.
I went to church.
I found friends who love me for me.
It's okay that I'm not cool as the world deems cool.
I don't have to be afraid.
-Of people.
- the world.
- future.
- unknown.
I don't suffer the punishment I deserve when I fail.
I have a purpose and destiny in life.
I have life in death.
I don't need to feel guilty or shameful for all of the bad things I've done.
I am released from the need to compare myself with other people.
I can experience love.
I can receive love.
I can give love.
The only approval I am concerned with is God's.
I have freedom to do good things.
I am holy.
I am pure.
I am righteous.
My lack is replaced by His sufficiency.
I finally have a family.
I'm no longer just an orphan.
I can follow Him.
I have been given access to living water and the bread of life.
I am significant.
I can know and have a relationship with God.
I am no longer ruled by emotions.
I am accepted regardless of faults or flaws.
My ways of thinking, acting, and behaving that I couldn't escape were instantly broken.
I have the Holy Spirit inside of me.
I'm comforted.
counseled.
convicted.
I have rest.
I don't have to strive or work.
I'm healed.
My heart can be healed of all of the emotional wounds it has.
Life can be, for me, as it was always intended to be in the beginning.
I have inside of me a joy that is totally separate from circumstance or emotion.
I have inside of me a peace that is totally separate from circumstance or emotion.
Nothing at all, ever, can separate me from the love of God.
I will never be put to shame or disgrace.
I can see supernatural things happen in the natural.
I can be a part of incredible, supernatural, impossible occurrences that happen every day.
I can multiply what I have received so others can have it too.

wow.
Thank you, God.

Who I am

Who I am.

I met with the University Scholar Dean, Dr. Smith today. He was both charming and challenging, understanding yet unwavering. He helped me more in 15 minutes than any of my advisers or career counselors have done in hours upon hours. I mentioned my current major, and he firmly rejected me initially, saying that I wasn't made for the program. Of course he communicated it graciously, as is his kind, but still believed that I wasn't made for the program. He described the program as emphasizing thinking. Lots of thinking. It's not pre-professional. This is where I went wrong in thinking. I guess the thing I was hoping for was a program that could get me experience and knowledge in multiple fields, but I just don't know what my focus is. I don't know what I want to end up doing.

On one hand I want to step up to this challenge, to do whatever it takes, figure out how to join the program, and jump all in. But on the other hand, I am turned off.

What would Jesus study?

The thing is, while I see the value in a liberal education, I don't want to succumb to the temptations of thought. Yes, we need to think about faith and life, yes we need to not blindly accept things, but the neither the disciples nor Jesus were highly educated, and look at all they accomplished. I feel like faith can easily be weakened by thought, by a focus on thinking and analyzing and philosophizing. I made my choice, I committed to following Jesus and trusting His word as my ultimate authority. I can't break this commitment, this covenant that I have forged in blood. And it almost seems that to focus my next three years on thought and logic would break this covenant in a way.

Ultimately, I am to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God.
Ultimately, my calling is to be obedient and to make disciples.

So how can University Scholars aid me in this endeavor, this holy charge, this divine mandate?

God has also given me a mind to steward.

When Dr. Smith asked me what my SAT scores were, I replied that I am a National Merit Scholar Finalist. His countenance changed as he realized that I was serious about what I was talking about. He put in balance two ideas:

1) Bringing me in to the program to test me, grow me, and kick me in the butt academically and
2) Making sure that I am not changing myself, the desires in my heart in order to get into a program that will mold me in a different direction than I need to go.

So, which side do I fall on? Do I need to pursue this opportunity, or do I need to find something else to do?

I don't think that what I want to do requires a degree of ANY kind. Involvement in church planting, college ministry, or youth ministry depends only on faithfulness in what I'm given. Jacob's job would require experience, but I don't know if I would need to necessarily have the same experience as him to do something similar.

I guess it all comes down to the voice of God.

A Real God

I met a guy named Gus.

Most of my Baylor friends came to Abilene with me this weekend to hang out and to see Switchfoot. We came back late Sunday night (tonight) after the concert. On our way back from Abilene to Waco God showed yet again that He is who He says He is.

Praise God for Lauren Keenum's small bladder.

We stopped at a convenient convenient store in Comanche, TX to relieve ourselves..and as we were about to go in someone in my car said something about telling the employees about Jesus. Sweet! I decided I'd go talk to one of them and see what happened. As I walked in, a Native American dude was chilling by the counter hanging out with who I soon found out to be his girlfriend who was working. I came up to him, said hi, asked how he was doing, and then...introduced myself. why? I don't know.

Gus and I made small talk about what he does in Comanche and where we're each from...the conversation was going so smoothly, because he was such an open and nice guy. He had tattoos on his arms and looked like he could easily be in a gang of some sort but he was one of the coolest, nicest, most genuine guys I've met. As we talked he explained how he actually used to live in Abilene, where he started going to the clubs. We talked about that (he assumed I did that kind of stuff as well) until I explained how in Abilene, you either grow up in an extremely conservative environment, or a dark one. I told him how I was raised in church and raised not to do that kind of stuff and how it was so different. This proved to be the answer to my silent prayer that God would turn the conversation towards something spiritual; there were a few times where I could have easily left with a "good to meet you, have a great night!"

But instead, he talked about how the churches he went to stifled him and made him feel controlled. I explained that I felt the same way when I was little, and wanted to rebel, but that it's not about rules and about 'going to church' but instead about a very real, tangible God who wants a relationship with us. I explained that I can hear his voice, that I follow Jesus, and shared the gospel. We talked for a while going on different tangents and crazy stories he had...he told me he died 4 times. He died twice of pneumonia; right when he [should have] died he suddenly got better and lived. Once he was with friends riding 4-wheelers and in a freak accident he got run over and [should have] died. I explained that God was clearly after him, loved him, and asked him what that made him think about life and his purpose for being on earth. We talked about that and I encouraged him.

Later he talked about how he is into parkour, and recently blew his knee in an accident jumping somewhere or doing something crazy. He couldn't parkour anymore or do anything crazy...couldn't even run! So I asked if I could pray...I said "I believe God can heal you, I've seen him do it." so he agreed to let me, I prayed just a simple prayer, like "Jesus please heal his knee, and I release healing and release your kingdom into his knee right now in the name of Jesus. Thank you God. Amen." I stood up, asking him how it felt.

"Better."

"What do you mean, better? How much better?"

"Dude it feels fine!"

"WHAT? Like 100% better??"

"Well I can feel the bones moving around and it still feels funny but almost!"

I was amazed. His knee shook and trembled like crazy as soon as I put my hand on it...I just couldn't believe what I was feeling!!! I asked to pray for it again, prayed a quick prayer, asked him to test it out one more time, and walked with him down an aisle and back to see if it was fully better.

It was.

I had him do things with his knee he couldn't do before. He was speechless and so stunned, and didn't know what to do. Honestly I didn't either!!! I just told him that God clearly is real and loves him, and what I was saying was real.

He was basically undone...and after I shared the gospel with him several times, we had to come to a decision. I asked if he had a personal relationship with Jesus, but he didn't give me a clear answer. He didn't know the Lord, I'm pretty sure...and when I asked him if he wanted it, he didn't really...he wanted it later, for when he and his girlfriend have their baby. He wanted a better life for his baby than he had..and so he would want to know God then. I explained that it's there for the taking now...but he didn't go after it. But as I left I encouraged him, he thanked me, asked for my number, and I just pray "Lord Jesus, PLEASE let him call me soon!!!!"

Praise God!

Baptism

This week I've had a fairly large awakening and epiphany in my life. As a part of Antioch's 3 day fast, I went to several of the prayer/worship meetings throughout the days. On Monday I got filled up with more of the Holy Spirit to connect with God more deeply and intimately, dancing on the devil and being built up on the inside as a strong man of God. Tuesday was difficult...but Wednesday night provided a ton of breakthrough. After church was over, I found myself wandering around not wanting to leave for some reason. As I aimlessly wandered at the front of the room, a guy named Tony came up to me and prayed for me saying God highlighted me to him all through the evening and he saw that God had a lot of presence and favor on me, and he wanted to ask why. He had a vision for me; he saw me coming up over the hill, dancing, crazy abandoned for Jesus, and I had a giant army behind me. I've had a similar vision/word given to me at least 3 other times the past few weeks. Anyways, as he kept praying several things started to get inside my spirit...that I would be a "yes" man for God, that there would be a yes in my heart, in my inner man, an automatic, no-hesitation yes for God whenever he called me to do something. That I was made weak so God could be strong through me. Then another guy joined in praying for me. The holy spirit was moving in my heart as I began to laugh and move at His guidance. As more of the holy spirit and His revelation hit me I would flinch and wince in joy. Owen Wible soon joined in, and when he prayed for me a TON of joy flooded me! I started falling down, and God's holy spirit and joy baptized me anew! WOW! I was undone with His goodness, his joy, and I was fine with looking like a fool for Him. After a long time of rolling around on the floor with Owen praying for me, we got up and he could barely stand. He was so drunk, so wasted in the holy spirit, and I wanted what he had. I said to him "I don't think I've been drinking enough wine!" and then I asked him if he could give me what he had. So we went at it again, SO MUCH FUN! We both were knocked down in the spirit and God released to me a sensitivity to his spirit that would control and dominate me, and God released groanings in the spirit. Wow. God is so fun, so good, so loving! After the night was over I found myself joyful and satisfied. But this morning when I met with Jeff Jones for discipleship, I felt a conviction and a guilt (which I now realize is NOT from God!) that I must strive to reach out to others. I felt a weight that I need to share the gospel and pray for people I don't know. But God has just spoken to me that although that is His heart for his people, His yoke is easy, His burden is light, and there is NO striving! I only need to rest in Him, and follow Him. It's so SIMPLE!!! I want to share out of joy, not obligation! I want to share though. And I yearn and I PRAY that as I seek Him out that he will show me how to overflow where and when and how He wants me to. He has removed all my guilt for not sharing with people, and he's filling in me a new heart, new love for people, a passion for giving freely to all I come in contact with! And now that I think about it again, what am I called to do, but surrender myself to Him. I want to give myself to God, give myself completely to God. And let Him do what He wants since He knows best. So in the end, it's only about letting go! As I let go, I lose feelings of obligation. Instead, I just do what Holy Spirit says! Following Jesus. So SIMPLE!

offline

where do you go,
where does it stop,
when the beginning is the end?
what is the point,
pointed at you,
with a line drawn through it?
is it a hill you don’t wanna climb?
hiking up hesitation
sliding back down
creating a path
although you never even knew it.

It has been far too long.

I am miles away from where I want to be and who I want to be. I'm walking blindly through a season of life in which I need to be acutely sensitive to God. I'm stuck in a cycle of hell that spins me endlessly through apathy and longing to no avail. God please save me.

I feel...so...

I feel.

Something is wrong with me. I can't see it. I can see its effects but I'm missing it. I haven't been myself lately. Yet at the same time I've been more Thomas than I ever have been before. Why is my heart so freaking capricious?

I am fickle and unstable in all of my ways, prone to trust a photograph or a chemical before lending my decisiveness to an authority that could actually command my joy and happiness, bringing them out in my life to my joy and others' benefit.
A selfish heart keeps all.

My heart is so capricious. I hate it with every gut inside of me. I hate what it causes me to do or feel or think. And when it controls my life, my life becomes capricious.

God how can I escape this downward cycle that I am in? How do I get away from my feelings, escape my emotions and the effects they have on my life? I feel chained to it all, strapped down and bonded.

My heart is so capricious.

Today, I went to school for the last time. Last regular day of high school. I don't feel it, of course not. But I'm starting to. And I'm starting to think that I don't really know what to do with myself. Change is hard for me, it takes a lot of emotional response and scene-setting for me to feel like my inner compulsions are satisfied.

My heart is so capricious. I say that everything is horrible, yet I feel more alive and happier at times than ever before. I get high off of either Jesus or circumstance, and I'm pretty darn sure it's circumstance because a high off of Jesus doesn't wear off.

Everything is horrible because it isn't. My life is defined by circumstance. Who I'm around is who I love. What happens during the day is how I feel. And where I am is who I am.

But it's about time for the turning point...

Whether I've enough time to spend with God these days or not, thisiknow: He transcends me. He does. I should stop making a big deal out of small issues. I should start trusting Him to take care of everything instead of stressing and worrying. He knows me, and His light's gonna lead me home. I have been too far gone from His arms of love. This happens every time, but I'm gonna get off now. I've gone way past my stop and I think I'd rather walk from here. Hoping that the subway would come around my block again was a naive hope, a faded dream left back on two-hundred-fourteenth street. I should stop believing that lie. Sitting and waiting for life to change, for circumstance to throw me into the arms of love is ultimate cowardice and foolishness. So now that I'm far away, I'll walk with You. No matter how far it is to get to where I need to be, now I walk with You Lord.

Funny how much of an emphasis I let music have in my life. It can control me very easily if I let it. But God transcends me. He is so much Higher. So by some coincidence He chooses to use this beautiful gift to guide me and nudge me in the proper direction, giving me inspiration and peace through words and melodies.

And through words and melodies I shall relate back to Him, singing out my love till my lungs give out, letting Him know that I'm trusting Him, that as of May 29th, I SET MY HEART ON YOU! Let it be known.

Sometimes a little love is all it takes to make a difference. I hope that the little love I have right now will carry me as high as I need to go...or as far away from this train as I can get.

Dear God,

I can't bear to look at you. I've been walking in darkness, only seeking you when it would directly benefit me or serve my selfish needs. I've been so LAZY God! How can I neglect to spend time with the one I KNOW will change me and make it all better? How could I say no to you so many times? Oh God I am sorry! I don't want to keep you at a distance, I don't want to feel like I have to do something in order for you to come close, can you please just sit here with me and look at me? Tell me I'm clean. Tell me I'm pure. And I promise I won't stay this way, I promise I'll get up and walk behind you. It's hard for me to throw down my agenda, but I'll do it this time - and all the rest. Oh GOD I know You're worth it. You, it, THIS is worth it all. Let change, let your Love flood my heart so I know that I'm not mistaken. Give me more of yourself. Drain my life of Thomas James Wilson, take all of him out of the equation. I pray that you integrate every part of yourself, and take the derivative and every single variable out of the equation until only YOU remain. The constant. Christ in me. Let me not grow weary or numb, but forgive me and wash me clean. When I can't feel you, I will seek you just the same, I WILL. God forgive me, wash me clean, please. I just want you. All this time, I realize, I've ever only wanted you. So could you please give yourself to me? I'll do anything.

I love you.

Here I stand, arms open wide.
I am yours, and You are mine.

MY WHOLE LIFE IS YOURS, I GIVE IT ALL, SURRENDER TO YOUR NAME. AND FOREVER I WILL PRAY, HAVE YOUR WAY JESUS.

I want Jesus

Welcome to Day 2 of seeking the Lord like crazy season. I want to be so close to The Lord I can feel him...I want Him. Nothing else. I want to be holy, righteous, and pure before Him and anyone else..above reproach. It's hard though, very time consuming, and as much as I mature I find myself reverting back to my old ways quickly and easily. But I have to try harder...deny my flesh quicker, become stronger. I can't let Satan have any foothold in my life.

Maturing is strange. I feel a bit nostalgic and a lot older. For some reason as God calls me to greater levels of devotion I find myself struggling to adapt, BUT ironically, even if it doesn't make sense, I find myself adapting easily. I feel like I'm finally making the turn from a stupid boy to a man...a man of God, a man of wisdom, a man of humility. So keep it up, Lord...Don't stop calling me out. I'm here and I'm willing.