Typical

I don't usually title blogs by an adjective of my condition, it is usually a summary of what is being said. But right now...I'm getting the typical down-syndrome that I commonly fall into. I don't think I'm the only one...

Life confuses me. Or maybe it's God that confuses me. I just don't get why I feel like crap half the time for no reason. I had a great morning! I was with all my friends in church! Maybe it's deeper though...like the fact that even though I was with all my friends, I wasn't quite 'with' all of them...and though I was in church worshiping God, it was more of a routine redundancy than praise. It just sucks when I get like this though...because what starts so innocently can become so much bigger than it should be, far too quickly. I came home, and because of this state that I'm in, soon became very rude towards my mom. And I couldn't resolve it. So it keeps getting worse. This is my life. And when it's like this it sucks.

But here's where I start listening to what I'm saying and realize that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And the music in the background slowly chips away at my old rusty coat of used epidermis so I can be new again. It's pretty simple, but it is powerful.

I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back.
The cross before me, the world behind me. No turning back.

I'm so unworthy. But still God loves me.

Reading back over the first part of what I wrote, I can really attest to both the power of God and the power of Satan. Because what I literally am getting out of as I type is definitely some oppression from the devil...and God's power is shown strong through it, in that He just pulled me out of the hole easier than I thought possible. haha this is awesome! I know it is God, and it feels amazing!!! I can worship now!

I really want God. And not the emotions attached with it. I am gonna confess something I realized this morning...I'm seeking things God gives a lot more than God himself. A heck of a lot more, really. And I don't realize most of the time that those things (awesome experiences in worship, joy or maybe more happiness, aah...I could name a lot more but my mind is going blank) are just byproducts of seeking God. It's all a matter of keeping my eyes on Jesus. Even when He's blessing me with a lot of other stuff.

Maker of the universe, broken for the sins of the earth.
All because of Your love...because of your cross my debt is paid.
Because of your blood my sins are washed away. Now all of my life I freely give. Because of your love I live.

Think about the cross...a lot of people get saved because they know Jesus died for them and they want heaven. Not hell. It's pretty basic. But when that becomes the point of the salvation (or maybe rather remains the point of the salvation) then people will turn to other things because they got what they wanted. But if they are to focus their eyes on Jesus and really learn how awesome He is, then they would have a relationship with Him and they'd get what they really wanted. That's what I want. A whole lot of Jesus.

Now, after that little detour let me say what I was gonna say before all that came to me - that now that I'm in a spirit of Joy and worship and I'm right with God again, since he pulled me out of satan's trap, everything looks way different. I just saw a simple picture here on the internet of a girl amidst children in africa and I was blown away by the beauty that lay therein. How amazing is our God that when He is with us he can make everything beautiful. We truly are blind. And when we are worshiping Him, walking in the spirit, that's the ONLY time we can see clearly. That is truth. Absolute. Don't take it as it is, understand that it's the only way. The ONLY time we can see clearly in life is when we're walking in the spirit.

The fullness of your grace is here with me. The richness of your beauty is all I see. The brightness of your glory has arrived. In your presence God, I'm completely satisfied. For you, I sing, I dance, I rejoice in this divine romance. I lift my heart and my hands to show my love...

good stuff.