Darkness

So here I am, sitting upstairs as usual on a night like this, wanting to punch a baby. I'm an idolater, I'm judgemental, I'm a hypocrite, I'm weak, I'm poor, I'm capricious and stubborn, I'm insecure, I'm fearful........


no longer.

But the fucking sin keeps coming back into my life, and I am SICK of what it does to me and what it makes me do. I passionately LOATHE sin. God took me from point A and moved me up in altitude to point B, and Satan is somewhere in the middle contending for my soul to revert back to the ground, where it used to be. But I'm not gonna have one bit of that. Earlier today I kind of realized that I hate hanging out with some of my friends, and worse, I realized that a couple of people I've been hanging out with I don't really even like. It's crazy how God is (or maybe he's just using satan to) drawing me more towards friends from school that don't really love Jesus and away from the ones that sometimes do. Because He's teaching me a lot of compassion. I see the good in people. I see the potential of my dead friends, and I see what they COULD be. And you have no idea how badly I want them to get there.....my heart is really breaking apart over their blindness. it's killing me. That's so good though, now that I think about it. God is going to be doing huge things soon at my school and at my church. It's just funny how it all plays out.
Because today I woke up at 11:30 In Albany Texas, my hand dangling behind the bed clutching the headphones to an mp3 player I vaguely remember holding on to the night before, my heart feeling like it was somewhere else. I remember listening to music on the way home and kind of falling into a trance as I watched an airplane flying high in the sky, just wishing I could get away, feeling the arms of so many angels and true siblings lifting me up into the sky...towards heaven. You see, I had the worst day ever. I was with a lot of people I was frustrated with and they were all doing things that frustrated me. I did not want to be around a single one of them. I prayed several times that God would help me get over my inhibitions...but it was still so hard. The whole morning I spent in agony, wasting my time with them, waiting for them, judging them. I saw through every facade they put up and I could see so clearly what they were all trying to do by staying the night there in albany. Well most of it boiled down to one person, but I don't really want to talk about that, because it would be very wrong of me to. I'm not posting this on facebook because none of this part of my heart should be an advertised thing, but I still want the right people to have access to it so that when their trail crosses this marker it may lead them astray the path they're sleepwalking down. Now, as a sidenote, a lot of this crap can be chalked up to simply being around a group of people too long and too late. But because of the few that I'm thinking about, that's not the majority portion of my angst. The majority of my frustration is that when a girl likes a guy or a guy likes a girl, and they start devoting more than 1% of their attention to that, God gets screwed over. And no one wants to live for Jesus anymore, outside of the conveniences of their facilitated religious games or occasional holy spirit sprees. None of what I'm saying is absolute, but from what I see, it is true across the board around half the time. Of course, every time and every person it is different. But with the people I was with....it was just what I thought it was. A lot of impressing, a lot of veiled intentions. A load of crap, if you ask me.
When is someone gonna be real, be transparent, and live their whole life for Jesus? It hasn't happened enough...
It was so good though, when I finally escaped to be able to hit drums and get away, even if only for a little while. And it was even better to be able to escape completely and worship Jesus in my car, repenting of my hard heart and judgemental thoughts. I just want to throw all this off me and RUN.
It all came back later that night though, when I ended up hanging out with everyone again. And the breaking point for me tonight was the fact that they wanted to watch a movie. A MOVIE. I have watched movies FAR too many recently. And all I see movies as right now are breeding grounds for flirtation. A complete waste of time! There was no way I was gonna stick around and endure through that...the valley of the shadow of the waste. Why doesn't anyone want to do things that are worthwhile anymore? Like....for example....being christians? You know, feeding the hungry, telling people about jesus, healing the sick. Oh, I forgot. movies.

I'm glad I left. God has blessed me through this day...as hard as that is to grasp. I just know that I am sick of satan tripping me up and bringing me down over and over again. God must be doing something big in my life for me to be getting attacked this much...gosh...no one knows the depth to which I've suffered the past week. Nor do they know the joy it has been. so paradoxial. but so true. I'm not perfect, God is, he's making me perfect, he has huge plans for me this semester, satan doesn't like it, it hurts, but i like it a lot. Jesus is lord. The end. I'm done focusing on this. Jesus is coming back...I can't wait.

(disclaimer...sorry for the profanity...I was really really REALLY mad at satan when I wrote this, and I don't think I'll change it now, even though it may offend you or rub you the wrong way. I don't use that kind of language. but this is, i guess an exception. To change it would be to not be 100% real and honest and transparent. And it would not be true to myself and what I was going through. so, sorry, but the f-word stays...as hard as it is for me not to edit.)