Home

I think my new home is Waco, TX.

If home is where the heart is, my home is in Waco.

If home is where the mind is, my home is in Abilene.

If home is where the spirit is, my home is in Heaven.

I think it is very interesting to be back home and see old things.
I see things I used to like.
I see things I used to do.
I see things I used to write.
I see things I used to think.
I see things I used to dislike.
I see things I used to fear.
I see things I used to hope for.

But for me, I think that every one of those things has changed.

In high school, I was a very different person than I am now. I lived an unclean life, full of hidden sin. My inner hopes (you know, the ones you would never admit but that control you) were set on attention from girls. I was addicted to sexual sin. I lied about many things to cover up my sin. My mind was filled with lies from the evil one, such as "you will never be free of sin", "what you have done is too bad to tell anyone", "God needs you to get over your sin and conquer it before you can really confess it", and "You need a lot of personality characteristics to be liked or to be influential." My dreams were that I could marry a beautiful woman and have a really cool job at a really big church where I could be really cool, have a lot of cool stuff, be around a lot of cool people, and still "fulfill" my inner desire to live a life for Jesus.

Now, I am changed. Most of the last two years has been a PAINFUL process of relearning most of what I have learned. I have come to realize many things about my life. I have learned that it is okay to fail. That "sister" means sister. That freedom comes from Jesus, not from me. That people are to be loved and trusted. That I can confess the worst things I have ever done and thought and still be loved. That healing comes from vulnerability. That radical Christianity requires radical discipline. That I really wasn't living out half of what I thought I was. That I wasn't following Jesus, as much as my heart desired him and my mind knew him. That complete freedom is real and within reach. That God desires to be my friend. That I can suffer a lot and it isn't the end of the world. That my world is TINY and SHELTERED compared to reality.

It has been a hard process. I have had to walk some rough paths. Some dark and lonely paths. I have had to confess sin. I have had to face up to secrets that were discovered. I have had to cry out to Jesus to change me. I have had to repent. I have had to reconcile myself to close friends. I have had to turn away from things I wanted. I have had to say no to opportunities that were ideal.

I have failed even in the midst of change. Yet this year, for the first time, I am seeing the real fruits of discipline and surrender come to bear in my life. I have been walking in very consistent freedom from all sin this year. There have still been some absolute mess-ups, some bad ones! But I look at my life and I see a changed person! I am not the same as I was Junior year, Senior year, Freshman year, or even Sophomore year! All because of Jesus Christ, I am now living a life of righteousness!

Not to say that I won't fall again. I am sure that I will. I believe that God has bought 100% freedom for me, and I won't settle for less, but I realize that my fallen, ugly, deprave flesh is ever seeking to take over again.

I have realized one huge truth that has displaced more lies than I can count:

Jesus is EVERYTHING. I am NOTHING.

I have nothing to bring to the table. I have NOTHING to offer Him. All my good works are utter CRAP to Him. And more than anything, apart from the Spirit of God, I. WILL. FAIL. Every time. Without exception. The ONLY thing I have is the GRACE OF GOD sustaining every breath, every righteous choice, every MOMENT of my existence. And the second I try to do something on my own, I FAIL.

What a hallelujah! What a beauty! I cannot do anything, but I have a God living in me who is able and willing to do EVERYTHING!

I think one of the biggest flaws of my Christian life, one of the largest sources of pain and frustration in my life, is my stubborn desire to accomplish things myself. On my own strength. I am SO PRIDEFUL! How dare I try to accomplish ANYTHING apart from the Spirit of God! Who do I think I am! HE IS GOD! I AM MAN!

The more I realize that I am evil and Jesus is Holy, and that to live from myself is death but to live from Him inside me is life and peace, the more I love Him, cherish Him, and look like Him!

I went through a season this year where every morning I read psalm 16. One of the best parts of that chapter is the verse that says "Apart from You I have NO GOOD THING". I would meditate on this, say it to my spirit, hammer it into my stubborn heart, until I KNEW that it was true. I cannot afford to live a single day on my own strength!

Another reason this is beautiful, this grace of God, is that it means when I fail, I don't have to be ashamed or feel condemned. I am utterly appalled and deeply grieved by my failures, but it has a good side to it as well - it reminds me again that I am nothing to be proud of; neither my actions, nor my thoughts, nor my intentions. I don't have to be ashamed! I can fully realize my depravity, and fully embrace Jesus's total victory over it! If I fail, SO WHAT! Of COURSE Thomas Wilson failed! Thomas Wilson is a joke, is a sinner, is a failure. THOMAS WILSON IS DEAD!!!!!!!! But because of Jesus Christ living through me, I have been RAISED BACK TO LIFE through Him who overcame the grave, and I am able to BE - not just aspire to be, hope to be, dream to be, - BE, a MAN OF GOD! A man of INTEGRITY. A man of the TRUTH. A man of RIGHTEOUSNESS. A MAN OF HOLINESS!

And that's who I am.

I think that being home for me is hard because as I live at my old house, hang out with my old friends, see the old sights, hear the old sounds...I start to think my old thoughts. What a dangerous thing. However, I now know the secret to overcoming. It isn't something crazy spiritual or out-there. It is discipline. It is hard. It doesn't always feel right. But it is WORTH IT because IT leads to FREEDOM!

The only way I have been able to live a life of freedom here at home this summer is the fact that I have found a life-giving routine of meeting with Jesus face to face every day in the midst of my old life. It is transformational. I should know. I have become a completely different person. Sure since I accepted Christ, I was a new creation...but now I LIVE like a new creation! What freedom and Joy that brings! To know that I have become a new man. Wow. And not because of anything I could ever do. ONLY BECAUSE OF THE INCREDIBLE GRACE OF JESUS CHRIST. ONLY.

Praise be to Him who will complete the work He began in me upon salvation. His wisdom has been my guiding light. I have found communion with the father I would have never dreamed possible last year.

And the funny thing is...

I'm still learning.

I have made a lot of progress. gosh. a LOT. of progress. But I STILL HAVE SOOOOOOOO FAR to go. I am learning many things right now. I have been reading "The Heavenly Man" by Brother Yun and it is wrecking me. It is destroying me. I am realizing more and more that the life I want to live is not all happiness. I must suffer.

The reality of suffering and sacrifice is emerging as I read about the hardships faced by Christians all over the world. I am guaranteed persecution...not necessarily something I was hoping for, but nevertheless, it is part of my life. I have chosen a narrow path, and I am only starting to see how narrow it really is. But there is so much joy in this path too. I live for a greater kingdom than this world. My hope is set on a greater goal than this world has. And daily I am filled with a greater joy and peace and satisfaction than this world has! Jesus Christ has called me to leave everything for him. And I must obey. I must. To be a christian...I must. I will.

If home is where the friends are, my home is currently in about 5 different continents. The call to go and make disciples of ALL nations is reaching my ears. And one week from today, I will answer that call by stepping on a plane that will leave America. I will say goodbye to the amber waves of grain and purple mountain majesty and say hello to the beauty that is Cape Town, South Africa. I am excited. I think that a part of my heart will be left there when I leave. But we will see, very soon, if that is true.

For now, I will remain constant in prayer and faithful in discipline. God said "Ask, and I will give the nations to you". I am asking for the nation of South Africa right now! For the duration of this last week at home before I begin my summer adventures, I will ASK.

A Concept of a Concept of God

First, watch this:

http://vimeo.com/15642578

Did you catch the idea that these guys are running with?

"He doesn't want to be a concept to you, He wants to be your father."

God as a concept. How long have we viewed HIM like this? It's funny, because we Americans all have or still do, and yet refer to HIM as HE. I think I'm realizing more and more each day, each month, and each year that God is. He is a being outside of my control, objective to what I believe, and set apart from my thoughts about who He is. I have lived under a deceived state of mind for too long believing (in the back of my mind and in the deeper parts of myself) that if I decided not to believe in Him then He wouldn't exist. How selfish. How typical of a human, and an American human at that - that I would go so far as to say that I decide whether God exists, and His realness is dependent on me. The world does not revolve around me, and I'm finally seeing it clearer.

He is real - no doubts there now. But He is also a person. Though one can hardly refer to Him as such; infinite, everlasting, omniscient, omnipotent. Who is this King of Glory indeed?

Man so what in the world - my actions can affect our relationship. Just like a human relationship! Not talking to Him for a while creates a sense of distance! Who would've thought!

Today marks the 6th day that I haven't had a full, good, rich time alone with Him. That's a long time. That sort of distance is huge between two who are in such an intimate relationship, not to mention the fact that Biblically He's been wanting to hang out with me non-stop and half the time I've ignored it. Not to say there haven't been parts of the past few days where we've talked or hung out a bit. But not much.

If I view Him as He is - a 'person', I must see that I'm not the center in our relationship and that I should not determine how much or little we will talk or hang out. If anyone should it's Him. I love what Jimmy Seibert says, that we're like a married couple, in which two imperfect people must change to adapt to each other, except in this case, He's perfect, so we're the only ones needing adjusting! I need a lot of adjusting. I have faults that cannot be cured but by time with Him. He changes me. How convenient. Thank you God.

Thank you God that you are the alpha and omega - that you made me, and that you'll have the final say in my life too.
Thank you God that my life and who I am does not depend on me but on you, and I know that I can trust you.
Thank you God that although every good thing I come up with is as a dirty rag to you, you give me YOUR righteousness.
It's outside of my control and you know what? I'm completely okay with that. You have YOUR way, I won't have MINE.

ideas

I am getting inspiration from United Pursuit's new cd live at the banks house...I really think it would be absolutely awesome and sick to do something very similar. Collaborate with a few other musicians and get some songs together. Really the key would be to get the right percussion and string elements right. Not to have too much but to have some unique sounds. Acoustic guitar, simple & clean electric guitar, piano (preferably real), violin, cello if possible, some kind of drums (maybe a ride, high hat, low tom, and snare?), more percussion stuff - tambourine, shakers, woodblocks, random objects - djembe, harmonica, accordion, mandolin, banjo, xylophone. brass or woodwind instruments maybe. french horn...trumpet...clarinet or flute. I'm thinking outside of the box a bit. some kind of bells?

Write new songs, revamp old ones, and do a few normal ones. Get a set-list. practice once or maybe twice. encounter god. as much or as little music as it takes. maybe it would be a capella for a while. who knows!

Maybe all of this could happen eventually, but to get SOMETHING started would be crucial. A few nights with just acoustic and maybe 1-3 other elements. we'll see.

Education

I wonder why our culture believes education is so important. I think that we value it because of our country's (and most countries') standards. To get a good job and to have influence in society, you need an education. In both the secular world and in the church we find that education is paramount in how well you can do. Why is it so important; why have we, as the american culture, created these standards that so stress the idea of education? Do we glorify knowledge? Do we fear the results of uneducated masses? Do we think that knowledge is power?

I don't disagree.

Education is vital.

But I wonder if it is as important as we think...

I casually drove up to my apartment, hastily turned into the parking lot, crookedly parked in the oversized spaces they give us, and thought: "I need to check all of my grades." The next thought was "I wonder if I'm doing badly." The next thought was "Why does it matter if I do well?" The next thought was "So that I can get my degree." The next thought was
"Why do I need a degree? Weren't Paul and the Acts saints mostly common and uneducated men?"
I believe that I have stumbled upon a fallacy of our culture: the idea that education is the key to our ultimate destiny as believers.
Look around and you will see this in everyone. The aspiring pastor goes to seminary. The hopeful missionary is an international studies major. The musician gets a degree to...get a degree.

I don't know what I'm saying, but I just know that if our focus is right - if our focus is on Christ, and our intent in obedience to Him, and our attitude in pleasing him, we will have different values.

Christ's call for each of us to make disciples of all nations beckons not primarily to the uneducated mind but to the obedient heart. It does also beckon at the educated mind, but my point is that His criteria for leadership and His measure for success lies not in how much we know but rather in how much we are willing to sacrifice. Will you be obedient to the Father until death? Will you truly take up your cross - not to lay it down again - and follow the Righteous one?
Will you be faithful in the small? In the unimportant, according to cultural standards?
Will you live kingdom values? Will YOU find satisfaction in Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, and the Father?

I'm tired of aspiring leaders going to seminary to think their lives away, pastoring some church that gives American Christians a place to sit on a Sunday morning. We have created these standards for being "ordained" and for being fit to preach on a sunday morning, when the real standard in the body of Christ is character, obedience, and faithfulness in the little. We do need seminaries that teach truth and empower others to make change, but we also need to keep ourselves from the temptation to walk back into the garden to eat more of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil!

I frankly don't care for the knowledge of good and evil. I want the tree of life. I want the life of God in me for others.

We do need education. But more importantly we need a relationship with the father through Jesus Christ. Without that; without spiritual strength and character, our education is but an ugly coat we wear to cover up our inadequacies. We need Jesus. THEN we can handle the knowledge. Through Christ our education finds meaning and purpose. Through Christ, we can do something.

Tasteful Guitar Playing...In Regards to the Recipe

Note: This was written over a month and may be scatter-brained.

Fellow guitarists,

So many times when I am playing guitar I have a sense of what "should" and what "shouldn't" be in the mix as far as guitar sounds. This morning I was thinking about the fact that everyone (every guitarist, every musician) has a unique set of "should" and "shouldn't-s", and I figured it might be beneficial to some if I shared mine. All of this is coming from 5ish years of experience playing guitar in churches, both good and bad experiences, as well as many conversations with musical friends, attentive listening, and lots of online reading and research. I don't have THE way as far as playing guitar, but God has given me a very keen ear for what sounds good and what doesn't. So take it as you will!

The most important element of music, ESPECIALLY worship music, is dynamic. Wikipedia says that,

"In music, dynamics normally refers to the volume of a sound or note, but can also refer to every aspect of the execution of a given piece, either stylistic (staccato, legato etc.) or functional (velocity). The term is also applied to the written or printed musical notation used to indicate dynamics. Dynamics do not indicate specific volume levels, but are meant to be played with reference to the ensemble as a whole."

I think that says very clearly what is encompassed in musical dynamics. If you have heard me talk about guitar playing or music, you will know that I am very passionate about dynamics. The reason behind this is simple: I believe that dynamics are (from a macro perspective) fundamentally more important than how fast you can play, how skilled you are, and how well you know your guitar. These elements are obviously all crucial to guitar skill, but without an understanding or more importantly a good ear for dynamics, these other things will come across wrongly and abruptly.

When I refer to dynamics in worship music, I am referring to multiple aspects of the music itself:

1. The overall dynamic of a song (including tempo and what kind of song it is)

2. Drum dynamics and how every instrument relates to the drums

3. Guitar effects dynamics in relation to the song and the band

4. Guitar playing dynamics in relation to the song and the band

I will explain more on each of these soon, but first I want to delve deeper into the various types of dynamics and models of dynamics that exist in guitar playing.

When playing guitar in a worship setting, there are many factors in play. First of all, and of utmost importance, is training yourself to be in-tune with the Holy Spirit, being open to what He is doing, and learning how to join in with your playing. This is a different subject. I've learned a lot through experience. Maybe I'll write about that another time.

Second of all, and of critical importance, is learning how to be on board with the worship leader and in sync with the band. It's particularly important to have an idea of what the worship leader wants, what they're looking for, and what they like. One primary role of guitar playing, after all, is supporting the worship leader wherever they're going. And how do you know how to do that if you don't know where they're going? I've been in many a situation where either I don't know the worship leader well, or don't know what they're looking for, and though the song may go smoothly, it loses so much impact from not having a single focus! I'll be building the song up when he wants it quiet, or I'll be playing softly when he wants me to be building the song.

Third of all, and also very important, is understanding the song. When covering a song, whether it's by hillsong and has been done a billion times, or is off world mandate 2010 and is fairly new, you want to get to know the song. Going into a song blindly can be beneficial SOMETIMES, if you're wanting a unique, original take on it. But, for the most part, the musicians who recorded the songs played certain parts for a reason...not by accident. I know many guitarists and musicians differ in opinion on the subject of staying true to a song's original version or making it "your own." My personal opinion is usually to try to stay true to the song's original feel. I almost always stick with the original guitar part, maybe varying subtle things, changing it every now and then, changing effects, or adding in small parts, but keeping the main melody intact. It was written that way for a reason. This also is subject to what the worship leader wants...whether he wants it like the cd or a fresh take.

Many times it's good to vary it according to the situation. If you're playing a song that could either be really hard hitting or really pretty..but you're playing it during offering or communion...maybe tone it down. But if you're at a lifegroup leader retreat where everyone's fired up and ready to go...I say let loose and go for it. You also must be aware of the situation as it relates to your band. If you're a 4 piece, maybe you shouldn't throw in all of the cool lead parts in the chorus and instead play some good inverted power chords up high to keep it driving. And if you have 2 guitarists and 2 keyboards, think of what will cut through the mix and add something to the huge sound your band probably (hopefully) has.

Here are the different dynamic patterns I see in guitar playing.
1. Soft --> Loud

2. Low --> High

3. Slow --> Fast

4. Staccato --> Legato

5. And usually a combination of all of those.

1. Soft to loud refers to the actual volume your guitar+effects+amp is putting out. This is influenced mainly by velocity of picking, pickup selection, and effects. I find that when I'm wanting to play softly at the beginning of maybe a really quiet and pretty song, I'll switch to my neck pickup to take off some treble, take off most or all overdrives, and pick really lightly. Maybe even fingerpick. On the other hand, if I'm trying to play loudly for a solo in a big song, I'll switch to bridge pickup to cut through with lots of treble, turn on all overdrives, add delay and/or reverb, and pick really strongly.

2. Low to High refers to both pitch and location on the neck. This is a pretty standard model I commonly use. It works simply: as the song builds larger, guitar playing goes higher. A great example is the song Came to the Rescue, off United's United We Stand album. It begins softly with a fairly low guitar part. It builds into the chorus with a similar and slightly higher guitar part. The second verse starts a little lower, and the second chorus is slightly higher. Then, for the instrumental going into the bridge, it goes up to the 12th fret for a really high guitar part. At the climax it moves even higher.

3. Slow to Fast refers to picking/strumming speed (and can also involve delay). This is a less conscious model for me. If I play by this model at all, it would probably involve something like picking quarter notes in an intro or verse and speeding it up to 8th notes in a pre-chorus. It also is seen in the fast dotted 8th delay...though that's just FAST. no slow.

4. Staccato and legato refers to fluidity...softer parts are usually very legato, and the dynamic is raised when playing more staccato notes because they stand out. This isn't too prevalent in guitar.

All of these influence dynamic in a cohesive manner. None of these elements exist separate from the rest. Usually in my guitar playing, I simultaneously increase volume and pitch. But remember, all of this is subconscious! It's innate in my playing because I have devoted myself to learning to add as much as possible to a song.

If you've ever sung in a choir you will have heard of the term blend. It is crucial in voices and singing but also applies with guitar. There ARE times where a simple melody should ring clear above all other instrumentation. That's tasteful. But for the most part, your guitar part should blend/mix well with everything else. No one likes hearing a ridiculous jazz solo in the verse of a song. If there's singing, stay out of the way. That will save a lot of trouble. One thing I like to do is play a winding melody, always very simple, through the verse amidst the singing. It will rise and fall, and I will play something different and distinct in between the phrases of the lyrics. So what you hear is words, lyrics, singing, and then a space that is filled with a melody from guitar that carries you into the next phrase. It is pretty and it makes things smooth.

This brings me to a very, very important key in guitar playing. Simplicity. For the sake of everyone, including yourself, make things simple. Beauty is often found in simplicity, even moreso than complexity WHEN the dynamics are done well, the playing is confident, and the instrumentation fits. I often play VERY simple, very EASY guitar parts. But they sound beautiful. Why? I'm not showing off. I'm not trying to make something more than it is. I'm accepting that good tone and a few CONFIDENT notes will sound much better than a lot of muddled noodling. People can hear and understand a simple melody. It's usually hummable and rememberable. That is a great quality to have. Many times in more prophetic worship settings, there is room for people to join in this melody and sing it. Even add lyrics to it. No matter what, if you're listening to the holy spirit, these melodies will not be your own. They will be from Heaven. And they will be powerful.

A balance is found between showing off and shining through. Attitude of the heart. Rarely do I go crazy on a solo. For one thing, I usually can't. But it wouldn't be right of me in most situations because it would draw the attention to me. If there is an appropriate moment where this in fact draws attention to worshiping Jesus, do it.

Ultimately the main things I can offer are these:

1. Keep it simple.
2. Use delay sparingly.
3. You must learn to enjoy the simplest guitar part to be ready for anything complex.
4. Feel it, don't think it.
5. Build the song up...make it epic...
6. Worship Jesus, fix your eyes on Him, and ask for more! You have not because you ask not!

Hope this helps. I have nothing good to offer apart from Jesus, so God I ask that you would send you practical wisdom to rest in my friends as they read this! I pray if anything you've given me is of use to them, that it would pass to them. Let my friends exceed me in skill and creativity so that people may be blessed and we can give our BEST to the King who deserves it ALL!

I Never Thought I Would Need to Remember Those Sights or Those Sounds

If you haven't heard that song you are missing out.

I've been nostalgic for approximately 2.5 hours now...ever since I saw The Rocketboys play at Common Grounds, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the past. It started out as I thought back to several different times I have seen them in Abilene...some of the best times. Downtown, a sense of mystique combined with an old-fashioned feeling of danger, like one of those classic black and white movies where men wore fedoras and women always dressed up. Dark, but lit by citylight, and noise coming from the small coffee shop. Walking by and smelling the smoke of the Abilenean scene, and feeling the warmth of a tiny, intimate, christmas light lit room. Glancing back at the waterfall, the smoke shop, and the fire escapes before hearing it: Delayed guitar notes, playing a simple 2-3-4 progression. So simple, yet so moving...moving to a putt putt course from the 70's...enjoying the music almost as much as the new friendships and company that accompanies them. Leaving the front line totem pole view to converse on artificial green. Feeling things changing...opening up - maturing. Finishing the night at starbucks, a simple conversation in the warm summer air.

I could follow that trail all the way through lakes and driveways, unites and beltways, but I don't think that ended well...no, I don't remember it being fun at all.

Mornings, distraught beyond belief, forcing myself to go to school in grief, and breaking down. Another song for another time, this time coming from what an outsider would guess is 49 years old. This time, I cried.

And following the trail further I find myself back again in time, crying to yet another song...this one more heavenly focused, as I remember that He loves us. A small town, and an even smaller building...the cramped yet cozy worship nights that happened there, and the awful allure of people from another school and place. I remember once wishing on a star, yes, my star it was. And as the river flowed, with it came a flood of bad choices, indiscretion, and mistakes.

Yet I find that in hindsight, some of these memories appear bright. They appear beautiful, as if the Creator God who intended them from the beginning knew it would happen and purposefully painted a masterpiece out of them. Yes, my failures turn out for my good. But still, I digress...

Moving now in the present to my pictures to see what else comes up, I find that much of my life has been spent in attempts at being someone...someone I was not at the time, but slowly have become in a beautiful process. I see more pictures that bring to mind more painful situations...dresses and suits and a gazebo...calculators with segmented art and a lonely gorgeous drive west...the feeling that I was made for more than what I have been saying to the person I last messaged...guilt but forgiveness. Shame but covered with new honor.

I stand redeemed.

This Morning

when I was spending time with Jesus, He told me to write out every good thing I've received because he died and rose again. Here is the list (which is only 30 minutes worth, so if I had the time I'm sure we would all see that I'm hardly scratching the surface of all that He has done for us):

Because Jesus died and rose again...

I grew up in a family that loves me.
My parents raised me well.
I went to church.
I found friends who love me for me.
It's okay that I'm not cool as the world deems cool.
I don't have to be afraid.
-Of people.
- the world.
- future.
- unknown.
I don't suffer the punishment I deserve when I fail.
I have a purpose and destiny in life.
I have life in death.
I don't need to feel guilty or shameful for all of the bad things I've done.
I am released from the need to compare myself with other people.
I can experience love.
I can receive love.
I can give love.
The only approval I am concerned with is God's.
I have freedom to do good things.
I am holy.
I am pure.
I am righteous.
My lack is replaced by His sufficiency.
I finally have a family.
I'm no longer just an orphan.
I can follow Him.
I have been given access to living water and the bread of life.
I am significant.
I can know and have a relationship with God.
I am no longer ruled by emotions.
I am accepted regardless of faults or flaws.
My ways of thinking, acting, and behaving that I couldn't escape were instantly broken.
I have the Holy Spirit inside of me.
I'm comforted.
counseled.
convicted.
I have rest.
I don't have to strive or work.
I'm healed.
My heart can be healed of all of the emotional wounds it has.
Life can be, for me, as it was always intended to be in the beginning.
I have inside of me a joy that is totally separate from circumstance or emotion.
I have inside of me a peace that is totally separate from circumstance or emotion.
Nothing at all, ever, can separate me from the love of God.
I will never be put to shame or disgrace.
I can see supernatural things happen in the natural.
I can be a part of incredible, supernatural, impossible occurrences that happen every day.
I can multiply what I have received so others can have it too.

wow.
Thank you, God.

Who I am

Who I am.

I met with the University Scholar Dean, Dr. Smith today. He was both charming and challenging, understanding yet unwavering. He helped me more in 15 minutes than any of my advisers or career counselors have done in hours upon hours. I mentioned my current major, and he firmly rejected me initially, saying that I wasn't made for the program. Of course he communicated it graciously, as is his kind, but still believed that I wasn't made for the program. He described the program as emphasizing thinking. Lots of thinking. It's not pre-professional. This is where I went wrong in thinking. I guess the thing I was hoping for was a program that could get me experience and knowledge in multiple fields, but I just don't know what my focus is. I don't know what I want to end up doing.

On one hand I want to step up to this challenge, to do whatever it takes, figure out how to join the program, and jump all in. But on the other hand, I am turned off.

What would Jesus study?

The thing is, while I see the value in a liberal education, I don't want to succumb to the temptations of thought. Yes, we need to think about faith and life, yes we need to not blindly accept things, but the neither the disciples nor Jesus were highly educated, and look at all they accomplished. I feel like faith can easily be weakened by thought, by a focus on thinking and analyzing and philosophizing. I made my choice, I committed to following Jesus and trusting His word as my ultimate authority. I can't break this commitment, this covenant that I have forged in blood. And it almost seems that to focus my next three years on thought and logic would break this covenant in a way.

Ultimately, I am to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God.
Ultimately, my calling is to be obedient and to make disciples.

So how can University Scholars aid me in this endeavor, this holy charge, this divine mandate?

God has also given me a mind to steward.

When Dr. Smith asked me what my SAT scores were, I replied that I am a National Merit Scholar Finalist. His countenance changed as he realized that I was serious about what I was talking about. He put in balance two ideas:

1) Bringing me in to the program to test me, grow me, and kick me in the butt academically and
2) Making sure that I am not changing myself, the desires in my heart in order to get into a program that will mold me in a different direction than I need to go.

So, which side do I fall on? Do I need to pursue this opportunity, or do I need to find something else to do?

I don't think that what I want to do requires a degree of ANY kind. Involvement in church planting, college ministry, or youth ministry depends only on faithfulness in what I'm given. Jacob's job would require experience, but I don't know if I would need to necessarily have the same experience as him to do something similar.

I guess it all comes down to the voice of God.

A Real God

I met a guy named Gus.

Most of my Baylor friends came to Abilene with me this weekend to hang out and to see Switchfoot. We came back late Sunday night (tonight) after the concert. On our way back from Abilene to Waco God showed yet again that He is who He says He is.

Praise God for Lauren Keenum's small bladder.

We stopped at a convenient convenient store in Comanche, TX to relieve ourselves..and as we were about to go in someone in my car said something about telling the employees about Jesus. Sweet! I decided I'd go talk to one of them and see what happened. As I walked in, a Native American dude was chilling by the counter hanging out with who I soon found out to be his girlfriend who was working. I came up to him, said hi, asked how he was doing, and then...introduced myself. why? I don't know.

Gus and I made small talk about what he does in Comanche and where we're each from...the conversation was going so smoothly, because he was such an open and nice guy. He had tattoos on his arms and looked like he could easily be in a gang of some sort but he was one of the coolest, nicest, most genuine guys I've met. As we talked he explained how he actually used to live in Abilene, where he started going to the clubs. We talked about that (he assumed I did that kind of stuff as well) until I explained how in Abilene, you either grow up in an extremely conservative environment, or a dark one. I told him how I was raised in church and raised not to do that kind of stuff and how it was so different. This proved to be the answer to my silent prayer that God would turn the conversation towards something spiritual; there were a few times where I could have easily left with a "good to meet you, have a great night!"

But instead, he talked about how the churches he went to stifled him and made him feel controlled. I explained that I felt the same way when I was little, and wanted to rebel, but that it's not about rules and about 'going to church' but instead about a very real, tangible God who wants a relationship with us. I explained that I can hear his voice, that I follow Jesus, and shared the gospel. We talked for a while going on different tangents and crazy stories he had...he told me he died 4 times. He died twice of pneumonia; right when he [should have] died he suddenly got better and lived. Once he was with friends riding 4-wheelers and in a freak accident he got run over and [should have] died. I explained that God was clearly after him, loved him, and asked him what that made him think about life and his purpose for being on earth. We talked about that and I encouraged him.

Later he talked about how he is into parkour, and recently blew his knee in an accident jumping somewhere or doing something crazy. He couldn't parkour anymore or do anything crazy...couldn't even run! So I asked if I could pray...I said "I believe God can heal you, I've seen him do it." so he agreed to let me, I prayed just a simple prayer, like "Jesus please heal his knee, and I release healing and release your kingdom into his knee right now in the name of Jesus. Thank you God. Amen." I stood up, asking him how it felt.

"Better."

"What do you mean, better? How much better?"

"Dude it feels fine!"

"WHAT? Like 100% better??"

"Well I can feel the bones moving around and it still feels funny but almost!"

I was amazed. His knee shook and trembled like crazy as soon as I put my hand on it...I just couldn't believe what I was feeling!!! I asked to pray for it again, prayed a quick prayer, asked him to test it out one more time, and walked with him down an aisle and back to see if it was fully better.

It was.

I had him do things with his knee he couldn't do before. He was speechless and so stunned, and didn't know what to do. Honestly I didn't either!!! I just told him that God clearly is real and loves him, and what I was saying was real.

He was basically undone...and after I shared the gospel with him several times, we had to come to a decision. I asked if he had a personal relationship with Jesus, but he didn't give me a clear answer. He didn't know the Lord, I'm pretty sure...and when I asked him if he wanted it, he didn't really...he wanted it later, for when he and his girlfriend have their baby. He wanted a better life for his baby than he had..and so he would want to know God then. I explained that it's there for the taking now...but he didn't go after it. But as I left I encouraged him, he thanked me, asked for my number, and I just pray "Lord Jesus, PLEASE let him call me soon!!!!"

Praise God!

Baptism

This week I've had a fairly large awakening and epiphany in my life. As a part of Antioch's 3 day fast, I went to several of the prayer/worship meetings throughout the days. On Monday I got filled up with more of the Holy Spirit to connect with God more deeply and intimately, dancing on the devil and being built up on the inside as a strong man of God. Tuesday was difficult...but Wednesday night provided a ton of breakthrough. After church was over, I found myself wandering around not wanting to leave for some reason. As I aimlessly wandered at the front of the room, a guy named Tony came up to me and prayed for me saying God highlighted me to him all through the evening and he saw that God had a lot of presence and favor on me, and he wanted to ask why. He had a vision for me; he saw me coming up over the hill, dancing, crazy abandoned for Jesus, and I had a giant army behind me. I've had a similar vision/word given to me at least 3 other times the past few weeks. Anyways, as he kept praying several things started to get inside my spirit...that I would be a "yes" man for God, that there would be a yes in my heart, in my inner man, an automatic, no-hesitation yes for God whenever he called me to do something. That I was made weak so God could be strong through me. Then another guy joined in praying for me. The holy spirit was moving in my heart as I began to laugh and move at His guidance. As more of the holy spirit and His revelation hit me I would flinch and wince in joy. Owen Wible soon joined in, and when he prayed for me a TON of joy flooded me! I started falling down, and God's holy spirit and joy baptized me anew! WOW! I was undone with His goodness, his joy, and I was fine with looking like a fool for Him. After a long time of rolling around on the floor with Owen praying for me, we got up and he could barely stand. He was so drunk, so wasted in the holy spirit, and I wanted what he had. I said to him "I don't think I've been drinking enough wine!" and then I asked him if he could give me what he had. So we went at it again, SO MUCH FUN! We both were knocked down in the spirit and God released to me a sensitivity to his spirit that would control and dominate me, and God released groanings in the spirit. Wow. God is so fun, so good, so loving! After the night was over I found myself joyful and satisfied. But this morning when I met with Jeff Jones for discipleship, I felt a conviction and a guilt (which I now realize is NOT from God!) that I must strive to reach out to others. I felt a weight that I need to share the gospel and pray for people I don't know. But God has just spoken to me that although that is His heart for his people, His yoke is easy, His burden is light, and there is NO striving! I only need to rest in Him, and follow Him. It's so SIMPLE!!! I want to share out of joy, not obligation! I want to share though. And I yearn and I PRAY that as I seek Him out that he will show me how to overflow where and when and how He wants me to. He has removed all my guilt for not sharing with people, and he's filling in me a new heart, new love for people, a passion for giving freely to all I come in contact with! And now that I think about it again, what am I called to do, but surrender myself to Him. I want to give myself to God, give myself completely to God. And let Him do what He wants since He knows best. So in the end, it's only about letting go! As I let go, I lose feelings of obligation. Instead, I just do what Holy Spirit says! Following Jesus. So SIMPLE!

offline

where do you go,
where does it stop,
when the beginning is the end?
what is the point,
pointed at you,
with a line drawn through it?
is it a hill you don’t wanna climb?
hiking up hesitation
sliding back down
creating a path
although you never even knew it.

It has been far too long.

I am miles away from where I want to be and who I want to be. I'm walking blindly through a season of life in which I need to be acutely sensitive to God. I'm stuck in a cycle of hell that spins me endlessly through apathy and longing to no avail. God please save me.

I feel...so...

I feel.

Something is wrong with me. I can't see it. I can see its effects but I'm missing it. I haven't been myself lately. Yet at the same time I've been more Thomas than I ever have been before. Why is my heart so freaking capricious?

I am fickle and unstable in all of my ways, prone to trust a photograph or a chemical before lending my decisiveness to an authority that could actually command my joy and happiness, bringing them out in my life to my joy and others' benefit.
A selfish heart keeps all.

My heart is so capricious. I hate it with every gut inside of me. I hate what it causes me to do or feel or think. And when it controls my life, my life becomes capricious.

God how can I escape this downward cycle that I am in? How do I get away from my feelings, escape my emotions and the effects they have on my life? I feel chained to it all, strapped down and bonded.

My heart is so capricious.

Today, I went to school for the last time. Last regular day of high school. I don't feel it, of course not. But I'm starting to. And I'm starting to think that I don't really know what to do with myself. Change is hard for me, it takes a lot of emotional response and scene-setting for me to feel like my inner compulsions are satisfied.

My heart is so capricious. I say that everything is horrible, yet I feel more alive and happier at times than ever before. I get high off of either Jesus or circumstance, and I'm pretty darn sure it's circumstance because a high off of Jesus doesn't wear off.

Everything is horrible because it isn't. My life is defined by circumstance. Who I'm around is who I love. What happens during the day is how I feel. And where I am is who I am.

But it's about time for the turning point...

Whether I've enough time to spend with God these days or not, thisiknow: He transcends me. He does. I should stop making a big deal out of small issues. I should start trusting Him to take care of everything instead of stressing and worrying. He knows me, and His light's gonna lead me home. I have been too far gone from His arms of love. This happens every time, but I'm gonna get off now. I've gone way past my stop and I think I'd rather walk from here. Hoping that the subway would come around my block again was a naive hope, a faded dream left back on two-hundred-fourteenth street. I should stop believing that lie. Sitting and waiting for life to change, for circumstance to throw me into the arms of love is ultimate cowardice and foolishness. So now that I'm far away, I'll walk with You. No matter how far it is to get to where I need to be, now I walk with You Lord.

Funny how much of an emphasis I let music have in my life. It can control me very easily if I let it. But God transcends me. He is so much Higher. So by some coincidence He chooses to use this beautiful gift to guide me and nudge me in the proper direction, giving me inspiration and peace through words and melodies.

And through words and melodies I shall relate back to Him, singing out my love till my lungs give out, letting Him know that I'm trusting Him, that as of May 29th, I SET MY HEART ON YOU! Let it be known.

Sometimes a little love is all it takes to make a difference. I hope that the little love I have right now will carry me as high as I need to go...or as far away from this train as I can get.

Dear God,

I can't bear to look at you. I've been walking in darkness, only seeking you when it would directly benefit me or serve my selfish needs. I've been so LAZY God! How can I neglect to spend time with the one I KNOW will change me and make it all better? How could I say no to you so many times? Oh God I am sorry! I don't want to keep you at a distance, I don't want to feel like I have to do something in order for you to come close, can you please just sit here with me and look at me? Tell me I'm clean. Tell me I'm pure. And I promise I won't stay this way, I promise I'll get up and walk behind you. It's hard for me to throw down my agenda, but I'll do it this time - and all the rest. Oh GOD I know You're worth it. You, it, THIS is worth it all. Let change, let your Love flood my heart so I know that I'm not mistaken. Give me more of yourself. Drain my life of Thomas James Wilson, take all of him out of the equation. I pray that you integrate every part of yourself, and take the derivative and every single variable out of the equation until only YOU remain. The constant. Christ in me. Let me not grow weary or numb, but forgive me and wash me clean. When I can't feel you, I will seek you just the same, I WILL. God forgive me, wash me clean, please. I just want you. All this time, I realize, I've ever only wanted you. So could you please give yourself to me? I'll do anything.

I love you.

Here I stand, arms open wide.
I am yours, and You are mine.

MY WHOLE LIFE IS YOURS, I GIVE IT ALL, SURRENDER TO YOUR NAME. AND FOREVER I WILL PRAY, HAVE YOUR WAY JESUS.

I want Jesus

Welcome to Day 2 of seeking the Lord like crazy season. I want to be so close to The Lord I can feel him...I want Him. Nothing else. I want to be holy, righteous, and pure before Him and anyone else..above reproach. It's hard though, very time consuming, and as much as I mature I find myself reverting back to my old ways quickly and easily. But I have to try harder...deny my flesh quicker, become stronger. I can't let Satan have any foothold in my life.

Maturing is strange. I feel a bit nostalgic and a lot older. For some reason as God calls me to greater levels of devotion I find myself struggling to adapt, BUT ironically, even if it doesn't make sense, I find myself adapting easily. I feel like I'm finally making the turn from a stupid boy to a man...a man of God, a man of wisdom, a man of humility. So keep it up, Lord...Don't stop calling me out. I'm here and I'm willing.

Love

What is it that is deep inside our human natures, embedded in our souls, that causes us to seek out, to whatever end, LOVE from others? Why are we so empty, such FRAGILE broken beings? We're so helpless, so easily lured in by pretty words or a reaffirming touch or just the idea of having someone say that you are good. Some seek this love in girls, some in athletics, some in acceptance, some in themselves, but no matter how far I run and how much I try to do, I cannot fill this void inside my being. It is constantly empty, no matter how many youth group events I go to, no matter how many Settlers of Catan or Risk games I play (and win) with the guys, no matter how many songs I listen to, and no matter how hard I try to stuff myself with things that FEEL good. None of it is keeping my appetites satisfied! I know this all, but my life is a constant cycle of reminding myself what I know and trying to get it to connect with my heart. I fail and I fail again yet I don't learn long enough before I screw things up all over again. C.S. Lewis put things in perspective best when he compared our desires for earthly love to making mudpies in a slum. We think that our methods, our ways are so perfect, so succinct! For some reason we are amazingly proud of ourselves! Look at the culture around us, we market sex and money and popularity as if it is this amazing, achievable thing that any person with an american dream can fulfill. And this cancer infects our thinking, creates in our minds these amazing dreams, dreams of becoming rockstars, having families, getting the girl, all that jazz. What is so great about these dreams? Do we believe, do we HONESTLY believe that the realization of such aspirations would be enough? The reality is, we are in the midst of a realm of creation that is not meant to be its own food. We - created things - try to in essence consume created things with a strange belief that it will make us happy. We live in a culture that believes that what we have is all there is. No wonder we're making mudpies in a slum. We don't comprehend that mud and slums are the lowest of the low. We haven't seen better. Or we've forgotten...we are so quick to forget.

Yaweh

I
am.


When we encounter God's love it is an amazing feeling, an experience not easy to forget. Yet at our weakest moments we seem to scramble for a memory, a glimpse of what that was like...But the truth is that


God's love is on a completely, entirely different paradigm than any of our minds, hearts, souls, technology, intellects can comprehend or imagine. It's like music and salsa, they just do not compare whatsoever. Yet our Gracious God bridged this seemingly impossible gap with analogies and experiences that strain and reach for the Truth. His word is full of them. Maybe we need to read to remember.

Since when did our gaze fall so low to each other? Let's fix it back on Him. There is a whole realm that we have barely touched into...we've barely tapped into the mystics of the supernatural, of miracles and encounters that some humans could not even dream to be possible. Yet all we must do is believe.

We have the option of living every day to its maximum potential, encountering God's love every second. IF we are willing. If we are listening, watching. If we make the simple but sometimes painful choice to PRAISE GOD in EVERY season, every circumstance, simply because He deserves it.

People were never meant to satisfy each others' cravings for Love...that can only be found in Him...then after in Him, He may just choose to pour out more of that love, which only comes from Him, through something or someone else.

"In heaven there will be no anguish, and no duty of turning away from our earthly beloveds - first, because we will have already turned from the portraits to the original, from the rivulets to the fountain, from the creatures He made lovable to Love Himself. But secondly, because shall find them all in Him. And by loving Him more than them, we shall love them more than we do now. All that we experience of Love on earth is but an echo of what we will one day experience."

- Crishan Jeyaratnam

The pain in life is the moments we struggle to feel the Love we so desperately need. But I have found a hope in anguish no dark night can damper. No matter what happens, I will hold to one thing - Christ's resurrection from the Grave, His love displayed for all to see, this glorious gospel of which I am somehow the center. His Love. His love is my confidence, and in confidence I will live. No longer in fear, but in faith. He is my Lord.

"A golden moment's come to pass, and it made a swift goodbye.
Waved its hand from left to right, saying bye, farewell, goodnight.
But it left me brave and bold like the knights of ages past,
Leaving courage like the dawn leaves dew upon the grass.
As morning glories bloom so do some things in life this way.
Rising early but well past noon, they weaken die and fade.
But there's many perspective buds still clinging to the vine,
Waiting in patience to show their glory at later times.

Oh, I got what I wanted, and I'll be afraid no more. I'll face all these toxic things, because I have finally found my bravery."
- weaver at the loom

It's time to face the battle.
The end is near.
But more than any impending doom or crashing sky
There is One who sees our struggles, catching every tear we cry
And knowing Him, seeing Him, can make every day so much brighter
than the one before.
He loves us, oh so much.

HE is the one I adore.

Mounjoie!

somewhere

I think somewhere along the line I forgot

who I was living for.
why I am alive.
who satisfies me.
who knows me.
who knows what is best for me.

Why do I keep trying to do things my way? I'm such an idiot. I bet angels in heaven are so frustrated with me right now! They see me trying to make choices which I think will be best for me and are shouting "NO! Don't do that! You don't know what you're doing!" Yet I blindly do my own thing, ruining my spiritual life.

I don't know what to do. I'm praying and seeking The Lord. I'm still confused. But one thing I know for sure - whatever happens in life will benefit all who love The Lord. I have no worries there. But the immediate costs or immediate repercussions bother me greatly.

It concerns me that this kind of situation I'm in spiritually has happened before, and hasn't benefited me whatsoever. I don't want to waste my time.

I'm found in Your arms of love,
Your love it has saved my soul,
I'll run to Your arms of love,
Your light's gonna lead me home

Father, lead US home to your arms. For everyone I know - to love them...to TRULY love them, I surrender EVERYTHING to love you more.

k'e!

T-2 days till we leave for Chinle, Arizona on our student council "Four Corners Service Learning Trip", a fancy, cheesy, politically correct name for a school-led mission trip.

From everything I know, which, now that I'm 2 days away is quite a bit, this trip is gonna be off the chain. ahh..that sounded lame. This trip is gonna be the bomb diggity...no...this trip is going to be totally life changing.

there we go.

Though I realize the enormous scale of the trip and the weight of what we're doing, I still have no idea what to expect. I am praying (and you can pray for me while I'm gone) a few specific things:

1. Pray for safety and health.

This trip involves a lot of traveling, as well as a lot of room for error. We are bringing an 18 wheeler full of food, clothes, toys, and feed, and every detail with that trailer needs to go perfectly. There are about 50 people going, sponsors included, and keeping track with everyone will be difficult. Temperatures will likely be below zero in Chinle, and last year was HORRIBLE with everyone getting sick. so basically...anything that i said that's bad, pray the opposite of. obviously :)

2. Pray for my experience and influence.

Because I'm a senior, this is my last chance to go to Chinle. I will never be able to go on this trip again, and because of that, I want to take in every moment we're there and also make the most of every opportunity. In fact, pray FOR opportunities. I have a lot of influence on the student council group, and this group is, in my opinion, the most influential group, and is made up of the most influential people on the Cooper campus. Lives being changed for the Kingdom and people realizing the call of Christ on their lives, would, from this group, literally change our school. I want to play a part in that, and I want God to pretty much do what only He CAN do. Change lives. Save people.

3. Pray for the Navajo.

This is the most important by far. I will see my student council friends again, and they will see me again, but I will NEVER see the Chinleans again. This is my only chance to shine the light that Jesus is inside of ME to them. But pray not only because of me - the Navajo are lost and need Jesus. They are a deeply spiritual people who are very attentive to the supernatural, the spiritual, and the unseen. Unfortunately, a good number of christians coming on the trip are not; most are very traditional and/or apathetic about their faith. I may be one of only a couple who has a good amount of experience dealing with the supernatural and with supernatural warfare. These people don't need to be convinced that God is real, like Americans do. They need to be convinced that our God is more powerful than their gods are. In summary - pray for our group to shine as a light of God by our actions and by our words if necessary to these Navajo people. Pray for salvation.

Thank you, if you're reading this. If you are, then you really do mean the world to me. I think you're awesome. I want to see lives changed on this trip. Cover me, cover us in prayer. Pray for the bus ride the days down there and back - for good conversations and situations. Pray for the night at the hotel in Albuquerque for the same: good conversations. Pray for the week of work that we will all learn how to be servants. Pray for opportunities with the Chinleans. Pray for a safe trip home and for God to seal up the experience in our hearts.

Thanks for everything.
Grace and Peace
Thomas

Positive

I think that negative faith is gonna kill me. I don't know a word for it. But what I'm talking about is the idea of faith - hoping for something as if you're patiently expecting it, or believing in it - but in a bad way. Like, I guess dreading things. Or...well...i don't know! I can't think of the word. Whatever it is to expect bad things to happen...believing things to happen badly subconsciously. Anyways, I have a feeling that that's the mindset I live with sometimes. I need to be optimistic.

It's strange to say that, because I think of myself as an EXTREMELY positive person. But maybe deep down I'm not...

Maybe, in my inner person, I am a cynic and a skeptic, doubting everything and judging everyone. I definietly do judge people in a way. Being different than others, looking different, acting different has over time definitely made me into a person who assumes that when people (especially adults and rednecks, hahaha) see me, they see some unruly, disrespectful teenager who can't be a good kid, and who must be just some girly sissy who has no fight or determination in him. man...that's crazy. Looking at that, typing that, now reading that, I think that that must be how I view myself. If I'm not confident in who I am in Christ (I was at one point, but I guess, looking at this, things have changed) then something's gotta give. Because I'm absolutely not any of those things.

When I judge others I judge myself. Plain and simple. And I become what I assume others to judge me as. But I'm not, and I don't see myself that way.

I think that I'm often a cynic, and I look at my life half empty. Like....i don't know, it's hard to explain. But I think that a lot of times I view circumstances or relationships as doomed to failure, and I worry that things won't work out for me like I want them to. Yet, in contrast, I am FULL of faith, and I'm quick to believe and trust crazy things of God that others might doubt.

So is it a flaw of character, or a simple mindset that needs to be altered?

I think that it's a mindset. I think that I haven't always been like this. But more than think, I KNOW that the good Lord can change me. So that's what I need now. I need to become broken and tattered, so God can take the misplaced and misguidedly-built pieces of me and put me back together correctly. That's all I need.

Jesus, I ask that you will remove all worry from my mind. I plead for enough grace to clear my head and realize that You are my overwhelming solution to every worry I have. I just want to be like you. As much as is possible.

Flux

I am in a state of flux right now.


This has nothing to do with this blog, though could definitely be a minor insignificant portion of my emotional complex right now.

I am changing, more and more awake and alive each day. But I've had some serious setbacks so far this Christmas break. I think that because I was in such a vibrant spiritual state of growth come end of november and beginning of december, ol' Lucifer got pissed off and decided to try to distract me and attack me. He definitely succeeded, and I had a major flesh vs. spirit breakdown. Praise be to the Lord for redeeming me from that though. He was pursuing me so hard...I finally gave in to Him and realized how dumb I was to even be using my fleshly sin-ridden mind for anything. He proved how he uses all things for my good when my sin, though detrimental to me, caused post-failure situations that brought lots of life and a lot of my inward change and thought. I learned things about myself I hadn't previously known, and I'm getting to know myself quite a bit better. I'm really a cool person, I'm finding, but more pervasive is that I'm very weak. Which is good, because the weaker I am, the more Christ's power and strength are used through me. The dilemma has changed slightly though, because now, though free of sin, I have lost a sense of intimacy and self-discipline with the Lord. I'm battling subconcsious feelings of apathy or selfishness. While a few weeks ago I'd be living in constant intimacy and worship with God, now I'm fighting to even remember God throughout the day.

So here I am - in the balance. Things have potential to change dramatically for the good in my life. But also I am prone to wasting time and losing that potential. So what can I do to make use of the rest of my time? I think firstly I need to practically spend time reading my bible. I've been out of rhythm for a while now. I need to establish a solid routine and spend lots more time with Him every day. That is the most important aspect of my life, and simply investing more time in it is the easiest way I know how to know Jesus better.

Sometimes I just wish He'd come back.

I want Him to just come back to earth now, the long awaited day when the sky opens and the clouds are rolled back. I mean...how amazing would it be? But that's not at all why I want him to come back. I want him to come back to bring restoration to this world, to make everything as it should be, and so that I could finally see the actual eradication of sin and death forever. I'm tired of striving and dealing with life stuff that is so involving and so complicated...like girls, and my future, and my dreams. Jesus coming back would relieve me of any of that preoccupation or worry. And I could finally be DONE.

Right now I don't know...I just don't. I've been confused in life many times the past 2 months, now is no exception. I am having my heart pulled so strongly...in one way, yet sometimes in another. I just don't know how someone can be so...right? Yet sometimes I turn from that beloved towards another, but only for a small amount of time before I'm wrested from it and pulled back. I worry that I could make a wrong decision and ruin what or who God has for me, yet I also want do go forward so strongly. I know though, that right now I can't. I cannot be involved in a relationship yet, and I don't want to. Though I long to have it, right now I need to be working towards fulfilling my dreams, working on my music and building the church. A relationship with a girl would be time consuming...life-consuming, and that's how it's meant to be. I honestly can't wait. But right now, I don't think that's what God has for me. But as I type this, I also see things lined up so perfectly...and it makes me wonder just the opposite. Could I possibly be in relationship with someone and not be hindered from my dreams? I don't know. And BECAUSE I don't know, I have to wait on the Lord. I want to make this right. If it's what it's supposed to be that is. And to make it right, that requires patience. Yet also some determination at some point...to go for the gold, so to speak. I don't have that at this moment. But there will come a time...

I'll just continue seeking the Lord in this. And you can see the results. Or feel them...depending on who you are.

It'll be good though.

What is hope? Where is righteousness? Where is strength? I sure don't see any right now.

Ask.

James 4

Submit Yourselves to God
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

This passage came alive to me when I was reading at school today. The idea that 'the sole reason we have quarrels and fights with one another is that we want something but don't get' it is both groundbreaking and simple.

It's crazy to get to the roots of life, the very foundational theological and philosophical truths and ideas that make life life, and to see how everything works and why it works the way it does. I wrote the other day about how simple it is to have Joy in all circumstances and to be free of sin - keep your eyes focused on Jesus. And today, I see that any personal issues we have are simply there because we have needs that aren't being met by God. And not because He is depriving us of something we need, but because we aren't ASKING for and therefore RECIEVING the satisfaction for our needs.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? You want something but don't get it.

It's so true! We humans are way too focused on ourselves and meeting our selfish fleshly desires that we don't see the outstretched, open hand in front of us. And, on an even more embarrassing level, the people of God's church are so fixed on getting what they want, be it spiritual, emotional, or physical, thinking that spiritual rituals or good deeds will suffice, that we are blind to the God we claim to serve! I can't believe how embarrassed Christ must be of His bride when he sees us fighting amongst each other, quarreling over eternally trivial trivialities, missing the whole point of His sacrifice.

All we must do is focus on Jesus - see who He is and therefore who WE are, and then ask Him to satisfy our needs. I promise, He'll do it every time, as long as we're asking Him to give us more of Himself. Once we begin to actually ASK God to fulfill our battling desires, we'll lose a lot of church members' drama and win a lot of skeptics' hearts.

We're all in this together.

Focus

I think that my personality is drawn towards isolation.

But not in that I am antisocial...I just always find my focus very narrow and very strong. It's why I'm easily distracted from God, easily occupied with something or someone or some idea. My focus is pretty difficult to grab, but when it is successfully arrested, I cannot clear my head.

This song has been circulating my head recently:

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace."

It seems that if I am merely to affix my thoughts, my attentions, my concentration on ONE THING, then all my problems will go away. It's true, but it isn't easy. I love that God doesn't ask us to fight in the unending war against sin and our flesh. My earthly mindset usually defaults to that warring mentality, that all of life is one huge struggle in which I'm merely a boat at sea, afloat only from one wave to the next while in between I drown in self pity or in self consumption. Or I'm just salt in the snow, just melted and left behind all alone in the road. Either way, I'm constantly losing, and if I can just read my bible more or pray longer or not screw up, I'll win. But that mentality is wrong, it's no better than sheol. An open grave. A dead end.

The most arduous aspect of my life is that I can't seem to remember God's truths for long enough to apply them. It's like I get to the situation where I need to remember what's true most, and I collapse and just start thinking of myself again....it's all sin.

When I can remember God's truths though....I really do win.
Honestly, I'm always winning. But I just don't see it that way for the majority of the time. I shouldn't have to be struggling against my flesh - Jesus ripped it all off of me when He took my punishment. I just have to remember that Jesus already won for me. I guess that's the whole idea of focus - always keeping in mind the truth that Jesus won. And I live in freedom and victory.

It's good to know all of that when I go into times of doubt or depression. Because I can very easily swing into a state of emotional relapse as long as the right factors are placed together...someone or something outside of myself does something I wasn't planning on. I get put in a position of check-mate. Good thing my Father can swipe the board.

So what am I to do? Just try to think about Jesus more? Maybe. Perhaps I need to worship and acknowledge him in every little thing I do. Worship him by how I type. Praise him by how I walk down the stairs. Rejoice in Him as I brush my teeth. Exalt him as I drink my water. Think about him while I watch a movie and glorify Him through my abilities. It's time for surrender.

Jesus, I turn my gaze and I FIX IT on you, Lord. You are now all I see, every move I make is for you, and only in you can I make it. I breathe because of you, I breathe for you. Let me just take ten minutes and look at your face. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

How beautiful is the King enthroned...in perfect peace, summed up by a love so perfect and flawless and impervious that He would be just as happy without me or earth or a milky way galaxy. He needs no one, yet chooses - out of his unmeasurable, unfathomable goodness - to extend the Love contained in the trinity to us. Now Love is in me. Now I can live for You.